Happy Mother's Day

Thirty-seven Mother's Days have passed since you've been gone. It's been a challenge growing up and having my children without you. And sad. You would of been 75 on March 14, 2015.

I tried to raise my kids and give them traditions based on what I could remember from growing up in the short 12 years we had before you were gone. I tried so hard, that it became an obsession. I didn't know any better. I didn't know how to be myself as a mom. This eventually made me very resentful, then guilty because I just couldn't keep up. I thought I was a bad mom if I didn't throw the best themed birthday parties and make the cake to match. And Christmas? That was exhausting, but that's all I knew.

After many years of therapy, I've realized that my image of you did not need to define who I was. Without a frame of reference or anyone to affirm me in my decisions, it was a hard lesson to learn. Who would you be to me, or I to your memory if I didn't do things like you did?

Today I can know how much of you is in me that I can attribute to how I'm wired. Some not so good. It's most likely we shared the same mental illness. Not your fault, it's just how we were made. Some very, very good. I received the gift of being creative. You gave me almost every art tool available. An easel, drawing paper, pencils, pastels, paints to name a few. You taught me how to sew on your machine.You made my clothes, painted, and played the piano. The piano is one of my favorite instruments, and although I never followed through with my lessons, my appreciation of the sounds soothes my soul. You encouraged my imagination. One of my favorite memories is a bag of old curtains that became capes, dresses, veils, even imaginary walls. And the plays we put on! I always had barbies and baby dolls and every accessory that came with them; clothes, strollers, houses, cars, you name it. We drew on the sidewalk with chalk. You always made fresh brewed iced tea, and we loved us some cold corn on the cob! Even though I hated it, you taught me how to wash dishes, clean and vacuum. You bought me endless books to read, which I did with fervor. You bought me a tape recorder so I could record myself singing. You gave me a hamster, a cat, and a dog. You kept a baby book that is so full of recorded milestones. You gave me a nurses carevgiving heart. I have an intuitive sense when it comes to caring for others.

I am who I am in part because of who you where. I wish I had more memories. I wish I could remember how it felt when you hugged me. There was a time when this caused me great pain and I felt so alone. God provided me with great in-laws that have filled the gap and it has been such a blessing.

I'm not so sad and lonely anymore, because the little girl inside of me has grown up, I am a confident woman and mother. I know that is what you would of wanted for me.

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy