Circle of life

There is birth, life, celebrations, and there is sickness, tragedies and death. Death and sickness has been prominent this month. I am sad. I am scared.

Scared of what? I am scared I will not get to do/accomplish what I want. I'm afraid to leave behind the people I love. I some bizarre way, I am experiences feelings of abandonment from myself. The early lost of my mother is blatant right now. I don't want to hurt my kids that way.

I know how irrational this thought pattern is. Regardless...I still think this way. I am angry, and I know this is robbing me of my present. I am letting the shitty thinking get a hold of my thoughts. Hopefully writing this down, I will start the process of release. 

This weekend I celebrated a life that ended way to soon. Her story told of a surrender of her circumstances to God. It was a comfort to know she was scared and angry, too. What courage it must take to face an incurable cancer, and still live a life of hope.

I was encouraged and reminded that living each day as it were your last means finding joy each day, being present in the present, and be grateful. Gratitude without fail regardless of circumstances. This is what it means to be brave. 

I will feel afraid, sad, mad, and angry during my lifetime, but I will choose joy (maybe better some days that others.) Regretting the past, and fear of the future will definitely rob me of the present. Each day is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

There will be birth and death. Happiness and sorrow. This is the circle of life.

I am loved

This photo makes me happy!

I saved this photo from my Facebook newsfeed. I'm sorry I don't remember who took it.

I have been in a slump lately. I do not wish to dwell on why I went there, but rather what I have done to keep myself from staying in a crumbled heap.

I have continued to look forward. Recognizing the triggers. No self blame (well, maybe a little.) Letting the past be the past. Focusing on the good, and making a plan to move myself to a solution, instead of staying a part of the problem. Sounds good, right? Easy, no. I wish there was a magic wand to get myself past these hurdles, but alas, so far no go.

My long ago sponsor would be so proud of me. I don't know if she will read this, but even though I would get aggravated, you have been a true blessing in my life, and I still listen to the words you said to me.

I am seeing positive results from the steps I've taken to move past the stalemate I've felt. I am truly thankful.

My hubs and I received a great gift of a week away...with NO KIDS!! I love you. flesh of my flesh, but this has been just what the doctor ordered.

God loves me, and wants good for me. I must remember in the hard times He still does. He never leaves me, and is with me in the hard times. God is not the magic wand. He is the promise that I will never walk alone.

I am not alone, and neither are you!

Fake it 'til you make it

I told myself that I would make art for me. But my insecurities keep getting in the way. Elizabeth Gilbert had another quote:

Shit, shit, shit...

I am choosing to use these quotes as positives. I am refusing to turn them into a emotional bat in which to club my psyche with. 

The dilemma here is I do need to make money. And I feel called (strongly, I might add) to use the gift and talents God gave me. Doing so is where I breathe best. Except, this money (or lack of) is killing my mojo (okay, I'm giving it the power to do so.) 

Ok, girl. What can you do differently? Well...I actually contacted people that have shown interest in having art parties and other art services. Yay me! In the past I would of just sat in the shit hole of self pity. I am feeling scared, but I moved forward anyway. 

I'm struggling. When I say this, most people say "what's the matter?" I am grateful for the concern. The problem is it's never just one thing. I am working on feeling the feelings, and not letting them become me, or dictate my actions. I want to face this mood eruption without fear. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad, mad, disappointed, scared. It's not okay to allow feelings of doom and gloom, self pity, defeat and hopelessness to take up residence. I have these feelings, but I get to decide "who" stays and "who" goes. 

I am really working the principles of my recovery and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am doing a good job. My anxiety is rearing it's ugly head, and I want to break things and cry. In spite of this, I will find positive ways to relieve this negative energy. I will not blame myself. Shit happens.

As for my art, I will paint, create and keep putting myself out there. God is for me, who can be against me?

'Til we meet again...just keep swimming (thanks, Dory!)

Stop this merry-go-round, I want to get off

Yes, this is me right now. 

This is a simpler visual of this cycle...

How did I get this way? Today I am using my recovery tools to investigate. Let's look at the acronym for HALT.

H=hungry

A=angry

L=lonely

T=tired 

Usually, when I am experiencing more than one of this things at a time, or one for an extended time, then  the cycle commences.

Hungry...not so much. I am upset with myself about my weight, and the fact I am not doing anything about it. (Sidebar...I have done well so far today though!)

Angry...my anger reached a boiling point on Saturday.  I did remember to tell my husband to watch out, but know it was not about him.

Lonely...it is has been an adjustment with my schedule. I was working most days with others, and now I am home most hours by myself. 

Tired...well, that's the biggie. The one that is usually the biggest trigger. My sleep has been so screwy. Add the fact that I am not wearing my CPAP (for sleep apnea), well you probably get the idea.

Now that I have identified my triggers and confessed them to you, let me tell you, and remind myself, I am doing better than I think I am. How you ask? Ok, maybe you didn't ask, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. If I want to change my behavior, I have to make different decisions. I decided to eat better today! I can make that choice at every meal (and snack.) The more I am on my own with my schedule, I am learning that I still need to take time for "me time." Also, blogging today lets me visit with you. Tired, well, I will get myself to bed earlier. As for wearing the mask, honestly I don't notice a difference in how I feel if I wear it or not. Sometimes I actually sleep worse because the mask wakes me up when it slips out of place. When you place all those things in the washing machine the cycle stays on agitated. And boy, do I get angry.

I'm feeling off today, and that's ok. There, I said it. It's ok not to be ok. A bad day does not make a bad life. Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

Take care cause I care!