Fake it 'til you make it

I told myself that I would make art for me. But my insecurities keep getting in the way. Elizabeth Gilbert had another quote:

Shit, shit, shit...

I am choosing to use these quotes as positives. I am refusing to turn them into a emotional bat in which to club my psyche with. 

The dilemma here is I do need to make money. And I feel called (strongly, I might add) to use the gift and talents God gave me. Doing so is where I breathe best. Except, this money (or lack of) is killing my mojo (okay, I'm giving it the power to do so.) 

Ok, girl. What can you do differently? Well...I actually contacted people that have shown interest in having art parties and other art services. Yay me! In the past I would of just sat in the shit hole of self pity. I am feeling scared, but I moved forward anyway. 

I'm struggling. When I say this, most people say "what's the matter?" I am grateful for the concern. The problem is it's never just one thing. I am working on feeling the feelings, and not letting them become me, or dictate my actions. I want to face this mood eruption without fear. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad, mad, disappointed, scared. It's not okay to allow feelings of doom and gloom, self pity, defeat and hopelessness to take up residence. I have these feelings, but I get to decide "who" stays and "who" goes. 

I am really working the principles of my recovery and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am doing a good job. My anxiety is rearing it's ugly head, and I want to break things and cry. In spite of this, I will find positive ways to relieve this negative energy. I will not blame myself. Shit happens.

As for my art, I will paint, create and keep putting myself out there. God is for me, who can be against me?

'Til we meet again...just keep swimming (thanks, Dory!)

Stop this merry-go-round, I want to get off

Yes, this is me right now. 

This is a simpler visual of this cycle...

How did I get this way? Today I am using my recovery tools to investigate. Let's look at the acronym for HALT.

H=hungry

A=angry

L=lonely

T=tired 

Usually, when I am experiencing more than one of this things at a time, or one for an extended time, then  the cycle commences.

Hungry...not so much. I am upset with myself about my weight, and the fact I am not doing anything about it. (Sidebar...I have done well so far today though!)

Angry...my anger reached a boiling point on Saturday.  I did remember to tell my husband to watch out, but know it was not about him.

Lonely...it is has been an adjustment with my schedule. I was working most days with others, and now I am home most hours by myself. 

Tired...well, that's the biggie. The one that is usually the biggest trigger. My sleep has been so screwy. Add the fact that I am not wearing my CPAP (for sleep apnea), well you probably get the idea.

Now that I have identified my triggers and confessed them to you, let me tell you, and remind myself, I am doing better than I think I am. How you ask? Ok, maybe you didn't ask, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. If I want to change my behavior, I have to make different decisions. I decided to eat better today! I can make that choice at every meal (and snack.) The more I am on my own with my schedule, I am learning that I still need to take time for "me time." Also, blogging today lets me visit with you. Tired, well, I will get myself to bed earlier. As for wearing the mask, honestly I don't notice a difference in how I feel if I wear it or not. Sometimes I actually sleep worse because the mask wakes me up when it slips out of place. When you place all those things in the washing machine the cycle stays on agitated. And boy, do I get angry.

I'm feeling off today, and that's ok. There, I said it. It's ok not to be ok. A bad day does not make a bad life. Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

Take care cause I care!

Happy Mother's Day

Thirty-seven Mother's Days have passed since you've been gone. It's been a challenge growing up and having my children without you. And sad. You would of been 75 on March 14, 2015.

I tried to raise my kids and give them traditions based on what I could remember from growing up in the short 12 years we had before you were gone. I tried so hard, that it became an obsession. I didn't know any better. I didn't know how to be myself as a mom. This eventually made me very resentful, then guilty because I just couldn't keep up. I thought I was a bad mom if I didn't throw the best themed birthday parties and make the cake to match. And Christmas? That was exhausting, but that's all I knew.

After many years of therapy, I've realized that my image of you did not need to define who I was. Without a frame of reference or anyone to affirm me in my decisions, it was a hard lesson to learn. Who would you be to me, or I to your memory if I didn't do things like you did?

Today I can know how much of you is in me that I can attribute to how I'm wired. Some not so good. It's most likely we shared the same mental illness. Not your fault, it's just how we were made. Some very, very good. I received the gift of being creative. You gave me almost every art tool available. An easel, drawing paper, pencils, pastels, paints to name a few. You taught me how to sew on your machine.You made my clothes, painted, and played the piano. The piano is one of my favorite instruments, and although I never followed through with my lessons, my appreciation of the sounds soothes my soul. You encouraged my imagination. One of my favorite memories is a bag of old curtains that became capes, dresses, veils, even imaginary walls. And the plays we put on! I always had barbies and baby dolls and every accessory that came with them; clothes, strollers, houses, cars, you name it. We drew on the sidewalk with chalk. You always made fresh brewed iced tea, and we loved us some cold corn on the cob! Even though I hated it, you taught me how to wash dishes, clean and vacuum. You bought me endless books to read, which I did with fervor. You bought me a tape recorder so I could record myself singing. You gave me a hamster, a cat, and a dog. You kept a baby book that is so full of recorded milestones. You gave me a nurses carevgiving heart. I have an intuitive sense when it comes to caring for others.

I am who I am in part because of who you where. I wish I had more memories. I wish I could remember how it felt when you hugged me. There was a time when this caused me great pain and I felt so alone. God provided me with great in-laws that have filled the gap and it has been such a blessing.

I'm not so sad and lonely anymore, because the little girl inside of me has grown up, I am a confident woman and mother. I know that is what you would of wanted for me.

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy

Let go, let God

I heard from a friend this past week. Her daughter is being held by the Navy until she is well enough to be discharged (there is more to this story, but it's necessary to share). She is sick and scared. She has had everything stolen from her. She can not call home. She still has to stand guard during her shifts even though she has a fever, nosebleeds, hair falling out, dehydrated....This is an outrage beyond outrage. My friend is so beside herself that she is standing on the other side. The feelings of being so hopeless, so powerless. Please pray, she said. So that is what I've been doing.

Let go, let God.

Surrender-verb:

: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed

: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else

I know of this surrender of which I speak. Getting to that place is not easy and is scary. I think if I just try harder (what ever that looks like), I can control what is happening. Society tells us we that if we work hard, we get what we want. We can make good things happen.  Don't get me wrong, we do have to participate in life to move forward. But. there is a relationship that we need to surrender to. Our relationship with God. Surrender takes faith in a power greater that ourselves; our creator. I think most would agree that faith is easy in the good times. My prayer has always been, God may I have the same faith in the storms as in the sunshine. It's easy to blame God when the shit goes down. The truth I understand is God wants good for me. We live in a fallen, cruel world. God is with me in the crap. In order for me to surrender, I must trust God will use any thing for good. In a lot of ways, this is a VERY HARD concept to wrap my head around. We could discuss til it the cows come home. I will just share the biggest storm of my life and how I surrendered and how God is using it.

On September 11, 2008, after being sick for 4 days, my oldest son told me had swallowed a handful of 650 mg of Tylenol. He had OD. By the time we rushed him to the emergency room he was throwing up blood. Acetaminophen poisoning is best treated within 8-12 hours. We were at 96. The doctors treated him with the available medicine. They told me all we could do is wait. As we waited, his liver enzymes continued to drop. The doctor said it would probably go one of two ways. Liver transplant or death. I stayed with him in ICU non-stop. The doctors where doing everything they could. There was nothing to do but wait. I gave my son to God. I prayed white light around his liver. I pictured him on an alter surrounded by white light. I told God I trusted him with my son. I told Him whatever happened, whether he needed a liver transplant, he died, or he fully recovered, I trusted that God would use this storm to glorify His love for us. That...that was true surrender, and I felt complete peace. On day 3 1/2 his enzymes stopped dropping. Day 4 1/2 they started the slow climb back up. My son had a full recovery with no damage to his liver. God has used this storm to strengthen my son and his faith. He is a godly man, that continues to trust God's leading in his life. God taught me that, no matter what, He will never leave me. Yes, this story ends with life, but I trust my stories to end with life. Maybe, not the way I would want it, but the way God will best use it to glorify His love.

I'd like to say it is easier for me to surrender now, but the truth is as soon as my son came home from the hospital, I was a wreck. To me he was safe in the hospital, but now he was back in the cruel world. I had to keep practicing surrender...over and over and over. It is a daily practice. One I don't always get right, but I know is not impossible. With God, all things are possible.

I have been through the 12 Steps three times. Most people think these are just for alcoholics and addicts. We all need to admit we are powerless in order to truly surrender. I've listed the first 3 steps from Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centered recovery program. These take work, but it is worth it.

I am always willing to share my recovery story. Peace be with you.

Celebrate Recovery 12 Steps and Biblical Comparisons 

 

1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.Romans 7:18 

 

2 We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.Philippians 2:13 

 

3 We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.Romans 12:1