I need a band-aid (PG-13)

Damn Damn Damn
Fuck Fuck Fuck

That always relieves some stress. I tried to write this post yesterday, but I was in such a bad place I just couldn't muster the energy.

Today has been slightly better, because I ended the day with a paint party with 11 and 12 year old girls. As much stress I had getting ready for it, it was more than worth it. This is a job that is worth the stress. I was told every job would have stress, and I've always said I want the job to be worth it. Painting and painting with other people is my gift and passion.

All of that said, I must admit I walk around my house and ask myself "what am I doing?" I need to make money (most people do.) It is hard work being all the employees in my business, and gets quite exhausting at times.

My moods are not reliable. Oh, I am more aware of triggers, but sometimes too many come at once. Or my chemicals are not functioning properly, and just one trigger can knock me down.

Having bipolar is awful. Well, the depressive swings suck big balls, but the hypomanic episodes help me forget those times (or least give me hope.) Being on the other side of the bridge is a great feeling, and to look back on the depressive times look foggy from across the river. I have done a lot of work. I've worked on past issues. I have been counseled in cognitive behavioral. I take my medicine faithfully.

Despite all of this, the disorder is the disorder. I am functioning better than if I was not doing all of the afore mention things.

I'm tired of being disappointed in myself. I have accepted that I have to talk medication for the rest of my life, but I still keep hoping the next time I am doing so well that it will stay. That maybe I've finally reached the point of control. I've done the work, and now I will be better. I realize the best I can really hope for is remissions.

I will acknowledge that my depressive episodes are way less than they used to be. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to live. So, the only choice I have is to keep on keeping on.

I wish I could wrap this up in a nice little bow, but I can not. I do chose to continue to share, because the struggle is real and I may help someone with my honesty, even if that person is myself.

If you've made it to the end of this post, thanks for hanging in with me(: