Slow and steady wins the race

Stop focusing on your pain, you're just making it worse. Most of it's mental.

These words are not helpful. But, I'm working on looking at these as statements of ignorance. At least as they apply to me. I do enough self criticizing. No one knows me, but me. 

I will admit to obsessive thinking, and heading, first thing, to the worst possible scenario.

The fact is, though, I am experiencing a lot of pain. It is very overwhelming and tiring. 

I am still persevering. It's one of the things I do best.  Thank goodness!

I'm having much more "freak out" episodes lately (read: anxiety attacks.) Thankfully, they subside. Last week I was cleared to take xanax during the day if I need it. So far, I haven't needed it...

I am having progressive strides in exercising. I'm walking about 3x a week. I had to stop rehabbing my left shoulder, because it was making it worse, but I am working on my left one, because I know there is instability in that one. Thankfully, no dislocations on that side, but now, of course, I'm fearful that this shoulder will dislocate mysteriously too! A follow up appointment is scheduled later this month.

I have a lot of weight to lose that has crept up on me pretty quickly. Getting blood work done to check out any possible medical reasons. The good news is I'm drinking one to two smoothies a day with all kinds of healthy ingredients and the sweet cravings are almost non existent.

My daughter turned 18 this week...such a milestone!

My youngest son, a sophomore, seems to be settling into high school life. So far, so good!

I got to paint a fun window mural, and sold another painting! I've painted and framed new artwork, and they are hanging for sale at a local store.

I am looking for things to be grateful for to help push away the "stinkin' thinkin'."

I am in a cycle of unstable mood issues right now..."this too shall pass." Unfortunately, I seem to be stuck in the slow lane. I am reminded of this helpful quote by Confucius; 

"It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop."

Here's to waking up to another day, which is a gift! Enjoy yours:)

This post is a downer, so read if you dare

Long time no blog.

I feel bad about this, but honestly, I don't want to feel bad anymore. About anything.

Unfortunately, I'm finding this very difficult.

Lately, most days my thoughts and emotions reach such a boiling point, all I can tell myself is "I cant do this anymore." I just can't. Can not.

But, I do. And it sucks balls. Sweaty balls. I'm so tired. I feel sick part of everyday. Thank goodness there seems to be an ebb and flow to this shit storm.

But, believe you me, when it is flowing...I just can't.

I am having so much pain right now. I've been rehabbing my shoulder for the last 3 weeks, and there has been no improvement. It actually feels worse. My neck, arm, hand and back are reeking havoc, too.

I actually thought about wrecking my car today. Just thought about it. No, I'm not suicidal. Just so full of yukkyness.

All I keep saying to myself is "It's not like you have cancer and are dying." Oh, the guilt I feel for feeling so shitty, How dare I?

I feel near hopeless and useless. If you could hear the battle in my head, you would have a migraine. Every day is such a battle.

"Keep moving forward." "This too shall pass." "Breathe." "Your feelings are not the truth." "Be quiet, mean voice. You are not the boss of me." "Push." "Persevere." "Pray." "Trust God." "Get up even though you don't want to." Etc, etc, etc....

I have to be the one to battle the bad voices. "Why can't you just get well, and stay well." "If only you would stay on a schedule." "You are lazy." "You selfish girl." "You must want people to feel sorry for you." "I have no friends." "No one understands me." "You are ungrateful." "You are always having a pity party." "You are not worth it." "I hate everyone." "I just need to move away." "Leave me alone." "Why aren't you paying attention to me."

Okay, you can see how the negative paragraph is easier to write. That seems to be human nature to be quick to remember the negatives.

I don't even know what I am saying right now. I didn't even want to write this. But somewhere, down deep, I figured I owed it to myself to write this down...this...whatever "this" is.

I'm sorry I am such a downer right now. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome, and I just need to go somewhere and keep my mouth shut. No one likes a whiner. Wine, yes. Whiner, no.

Blah, blah, blah...I'm sick of thinking about this anymore. I'm going to bed and, yet again, hope tomorrow shines brighter in the dark recesses of my mind.

Okay, bye. For now.

Don't cry, baby. Don't cry.

I have had hours, or so, of almost having a breakdown. Not every day. But, a lot of days.

Such despair.
Such sadness.
Overwhelming overwhelm-ness.
Anger. A lot of anger.

Just when I think these feelings won't ever go away...they at least lesssen. Talking sense into myself is exhausting. I get so mentally fatigued. I am so pissed. This is not helpful, because it makes me judge myself, and not like myself. Which keeps the shitty cycle going. Have I mentioned this is not helpful?

I think, how can keep digging my nails into the cliff to keep from falling into the abyss? Honestly, I don't know. I just do. I must. I could choose not to...but that is scary as hell.

We (my husband and I) are in a precarious financial situation. We are trusting God for His provision, and He never let's us down. I am human (the fact that I just wrote that makes me chuckle.) This means I still default to worry. Before I quit my job in April, I had been agonizing over what other type of job I could do to replace that income. I came up with nada. My health was suffering over the stress though, and I had to quit without a plan.

I have been freed up to follow my art dreams. Yay!!

This sounds easy, but it's not. Well, not exactly. I was letting myself get depressed, which lead to no painting. Counter productive to say the least. I talk too much to myself in my head, and it turns into a very bad neighborhood pretty quickly. I should never venture there alone too long.

Do I get a part time job so there is money coming in that we can count on? But, that question puts me right back to where I started. What would I do??????

I worked at a job that didn't love for 16 and a half years. I quit when my second child was born. Then, 2 years later,  my third was born. About a year later, I started to battle against mental health issues. I was unable to work even if I wanted to. I had three children by this time, and I was...well, not in a very good place for a long time.

I started my holiday window painting in 1997, and that was my source of income. It was manageable, because it was flexible. I have had four part time jobs in the last four years which has been quite an accomplishment, because I never thought I could work a "real" job again.

Going back to my stresses of late...where will the money come from? I am never guaranteed of income. Get a "real" job? ...ugh!

I had a dream last night. I thought about going back to the company I worked for 18 years ago. I cried and cried and cried. I thought about going back to another job I had, but there was so too much "stuff" there that was not healthy to go back to. I cried and cried and cried. Then a voice spoke very loud to me..."just fucking paint!! Just do it. This is what you want. This is what makes you happy. This, despite any stress, is worth it! It's right in front of you. Just fucking paint!!"

I woke convicted.
I woke up revived.
I woke up to my purpose.

I worked on sketches for commissioned work. Duh. I had been dragging feet.

I worked on some new paintings that I had been asked to do. A client wants to hang them in her shop to sell. Duh.

I tend to create such a war in my head, and I get so exhausted.

I'd like to say that I will quit doing this, but it is always lurking. This is why I'm grateful that I will always keep my nails dug in.

I didn't cry today. I did some things that kept me living my dream. I moved forward. Slowly, but I still moved forward.

Yay, me!!

I need a band-aid (PG-13)

Damn Damn Damn
Fuck Fuck Fuck

That always relieves some stress. I tried to write this post yesterday, but I was in such a bad place I just couldn't muster the energy.

Today has been slightly better, because I ended the day with a paint party with 11 and 12 year old girls. As much stress I had getting ready for it, it was more than worth it. This is a job that is worth the stress. I was told every job would have stress, and I've always said I want the job to be worth it. Painting and painting with other people is my gift and passion.

All of that said, I must admit I walk around my house and ask myself "what am I doing?" I need to make money (most people do.) It is hard work being all the employees in my business, and gets quite exhausting at times.

My moods are not reliable. Oh, I am more aware of triggers, but sometimes too many come at once. Or my chemicals are not functioning properly, and just one trigger can knock me down.

Having bipolar is awful. Well, the depressive swings suck big balls, but the hypomanic episodes help me forget those times (or least give me hope.) Being on the other side of the bridge is a great feeling, and to look back on the depressive times look foggy from across the river. I have done a lot of work. I've worked on past issues. I have been counseled in cognitive behavioral. I take my medicine faithfully.

Despite all of this, the disorder is the disorder. I am functioning better than if I was not doing all of the afore mention things.

I'm tired of being disappointed in myself. I have accepted that I have to talk medication for the rest of my life, but I still keep hoping the next time I am doing so well that it will stay. That maybe I've finally reached the point of control. I've done the work, and now I will be better. I realize the best I can really hope for is remissions.

I will acknowledge that my depressive episodes are way less than they used to be. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to live. So, the only choice I have is to keep on keeping on.

I wish I could wrap this up in a nice little bow, but I can not. I do chose to continue to share, because the struggle is real and I may help someone with my honesty, even if that person is myself.

If you've made it to the end of this post, thanks for hanging in with me(:

Fake it 'til you make it

I told myself that I would make art for me. But my insecurities keep getting in the way. Elizabeth Gilbert had another quote:

Shit, shit, shit...

I am choosing to use these quotes as positives. I am refusing to turn them into a emotional bat in which to club my psyche with. 

The dilemma here is I do need to make money. And I feel called (strongly, I might add) to use the gift and talents God gave me. Doing so is where I breathe best. Except, this money (or lack of) is killing my mojo (okay, I'm giving it the power to do so.) 

Ok, girl. What can you do differently? Well...I actually contacted people that have shown interest in having art parties and other art services. Yay me! In the past I would of just sat in the shit hole of self pity. I am feeling scared, but I moved forward anyway. 

I'm struggling. When I say this, most people say "what's the matter?" I am grateful for the concern. The problem is it's never just one thing. I am working on feeling the feelings, and not letting them become me, or dictate my actions. I want to face this mood eruption without fear. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad, mad, disappointed, scared. It's not okay to allow feelings of doom and gloom, self pity, defeat and hopelessness to take up residence. I have these feelings, but I get to decide "who" stays and "who" goes. 

I am really working the principles of my recovery and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am doing a good job. My anxiety is rearing it's ugly head, and I want to break things and cry. In spite of this, I will find positive ways to relieve this negative energy. I will not blame myself. Shit happens.

As for my art, I will paint, create and keep putting myself out there. God is for me, who can be against me?

'Til we meet again...just keep swimming (thanks, Dory!)

Stop this merry-go-round, I want to get off

Yes, this is me right now. 

This is a simpler visual of this cycle...

How did I get this way? Today I am using my recovery tools to investigate. Let's look at the acronym for HALT.

H=hungry

A=angry

L=lonely

T=tired 

Usually, when I am experiencing more than one of this things at a time, or one for an extended time, then  the cycle commences.

Hungry...not so much. I am upset with myself about my weight, and the fact I am not doing anything about it. (Sidebar...I have done well so far today though!)

Angry...my anger reached a boiling point on Saturday.  I did remember to tell my husband to watch out, but know it was not about him.

Lonely...it is has been an adjustment with my schedule. I was working most days with others, and now I am home most hours by myself. 

Tired...well, that's the biggie. The one that is usually the biggest trigger. My sleep has been so screwy. Add the fact that I am not wearing my CPAP (for sleep apnea), well you probably get the idea.

Now that I have identified my triggers and confessed them to you, let me tell you, and remind myself, I am doing better than I think I am. How you ask? Ok, maybe you didn't ask, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. If I want to change my behavior, I have to make different decisions. I decided to eat better today! I can make that choice at every meal (and snack.) The more I am on my own with my schedule, I am learning that I still need to take time for "me time." Also, blogging today lets me visit with you. Tired, well, I will get myself to bed earlier. As for wearing the mask, honestly I don't notice a difference in how I feel if I wear it or not. Sometimes I actually sleep worse because the mask wakes me up when it slips out of place. When you place all those things in the washing machine the cycle stays on agitated. And boy, do I get angry.

I'm feeling off today, and that's ok. There, I said it. It's ok not to be ok. A bad day does not make a bad life. Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

Take care cause I care!

Queen for a day

Woohoo!! I celebrated my 50th birthday this week! I was a queen for the day! Some women say they are 29 again. Not me. I have celebrated every year I've lived past 37. I wrote the reason for this in a previous post. You can read it here. I haven't always felt so "queen-like" though.

The battle I fight everyday is real. Twenty years ago I had reached a point where the suffering was so great that I felt it would be a relief to die. Anxiety, depression, and bipolar 2. Skip to the last few years and add meniere's, bruxism, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, dry eyes, arthritis...you get the idea. Geez! Let's not dwell on such things. I tell you these things, not because I want pity (absolutely not!), but because you never know what someone is struggling with. There are many people out there facing much worse and it helps me to put things into perspective. To see and hear of people overcoming adversities gives me hope. They encourage me.

I had a choice to make. I chose life. To have courage. To fight. To be fucking brave.

There is something wonderful happening this year. It hasn't been instantaneous, but a continuous forward moving work in progress. I have persevered through many trials, and asked God to give me the same faith during the bad times that I have in the good times.

I have always felt called to be a full-time artist, but fear(s) left me unable to live into that dream the way I felt I could. The stress of living outside of how I am wired was giving me such anxiety that I thought I was having a heart attack a couple of times. I quit my job that I was afraid to leave because of missing certain aspects and financial concerns. It was a good job, mind you. Just not one God had
in mind for me anymore. For the first time ever, I feel like I can actually do this artist thing. I am not afraid (too much). My mood is (relatively) stable. I have energy and focus (my kids are older). I am motivated and the most important, I believe in myself. I am having more and more victories!

I know God has good plans for me, and I am ready to walk in those steps. God saved this queen!

Who's driving your bus?

Well, hell. I am moving forward in a positive direction. The old stinkin' thinkin' just keeps trying to creep in and give me doubts, tell me I'm not good enough. Well, critical self, get the heck out of the driver's seat. Your license has been revoked.

I painted a picture and before it was exhibited, it sold. I made some cute birds out of broken jewelry and mounted them on canvas. I posted them for sale tonight and already sold two. The confirmation of my decision is evident.

My mood has shifted for the good since mid March. I am so so happy that I finally have energy and the drive to create and I'm not letting anything stop me. It has been a long year of struggling with depression and anxiety...the longest in a long time. What I'm getting at is the down has always come back. I'm already dreading it. Now tell me that isn't a joy killer. Regret over the past and fear of the future, leaves no room for the now. I choose to be in the now. To enjoy and be grateful for the tremendous lift in my mood. You will help keep me accountable since I've chosen to journal into cyberspace.

So, hey, hey, you, you, get outta my bus! There's a new attitude in town.  Hell, yeah!

End on a good note

Having relieved myself of a major stressor, you can imaging the disappointment I felt when I realized I was having anxiety today. Just when I get my shit together, I forget where I put it.

 

Did you know there is such a thing as Monday blues? Yeah, imaging that! Most times it starts Sunday afternoon when you realize your weekend is over and it's back to the weekly grind.  I have always had a bad relationship with Mondays. Today I think it was the realization of the life decision I made last week. Oh, don't worry! It was the right decision for me.  I think today was just sticker shock.

I am in a stable mental state right now (which we know is relative to-well, everything) and very motivated to create art. This is what I've always wanted and I want the scary feelings of inadequacy to stay the heck away! Shoo fly, don't bother me.

To end this on a good note, I sold a painting!  One I created, not commissioned. This is HUGE for me! A dream come true. By taking care of myself, I am opening myself to receive the blessings God has for me. Here's a cropped image of "Peacock".

I am so excited!  Get ready for more...art not anxiety(: