Don't cry, baby. Don't cry.

I have had hours, or so, of almost having a breakdown. Not every day. But, a lot of days.

Such despair.
Such sadness.
Overwhelming overwhelm-ness.
Anger. A lot of anger.

Just when I think these feelings won't ever go away...they at least lesssen. Talking sense into myself is exhausting. I get so mentally fatigued. I am so pissed. This is not helpful, because it makes me judge myself, and not like myself. Which keeps the shitty cycle going. Have I mentioned this is not helpful?

I think, how can keep digging my nails into the cliff to keep from falling into the abyss? Honestly, I don't know. I just do. I must. I could choose not to...but that is scary as hell.

We (my husband and I) are in a precarious financial situation. We are trusting God for His provision, and He never let's us down. I am human (the fact that I just wrote that makes me chuckle.) This means I still default to worry. Before I quit my job in April, I had been agonizing over what other type of job I could do to replace that income. I came up with nada. My health was suffering over the stress though, and I had to quit without a plan.

I have been freed up to follow my art dreams. Yay!!

This sounds easy, but it's not. Well, not exactly. I was letting myself get depressed, which lead to no painting. Counter productive to say the least. I talk too much to myself in my head, and it turns into a very bad neighborhood pretty quickly. I should never venture there alone too long.

Do I get a part time job so there is money coming in that we can count on? But, that question puts me right back to where I started. What would I do??????

I worked at a job that didn't love for 16 and a half years. I quit when my second child was born. Then, 2 years later,  my third was born. About a year later, I started to battle against mental health issues. I was unable to work even if I wanted to. I had three children by this time, and I was...well, not in a very good place for a long time.

I started my holiday window painting in 1997, and that was my source of income. It was manageable, because it was flexible. I have had four part time jobs in the last four years which has been quite an accomplishment, because I never thought I could work a "real" job again.

Going back to my stresses of late...where will the money come from? I am never guaranteed of income. Get a "real" job? ...ugh!

I had a dream last night. I thought about going back to the company I worked for 18 years ago. I cried and cried and cried. I thought about going back to another job I had, but there was so too much "stuff" there that was not healthy to go back to. I cried and cried and cried. Then a voice spoke very loud to me..."just fucking paint!! Just do it. This is what you want. This is what makes you happy. This, despite any stress, is worth it! It's right in front of you. Just fucking paint!!"

I woke convicted.
I woke up revived.
I woke up to my purpose.

I worked on sketches for commissioned work. Duh. I had been dragging feet.

I worked on some new paintings that I had been asked to do. A client wants to hang them in her shop to sell. Duh.

I tend to create such a war in my head, and I get so exhausted.

I'd like to say that I will quit doing this, but it is always lurking. This is why I'm grateful that I will always keep my nails dug in.

I didn't cry today. I did some things that kept me living my dream. I moved forward. Slowly, but I still moved forward.

Yay, me!!

Circle of life

There is birth, life, celebrations, and there is sickness, tragedies and death. Death and sickness has been prominent this month. I am sad. I am scared.

Scared of what? I am scared I will not get to do/accomplish what I want. I'm afraid to leave behind the people I love. I some bizarre way, I am experiences feelings of abandonment from myself. The early lost of my mother is blatant right now. I don't want to hurt my kids that way.

I know how irrational this thought pattern is. Regardless...I still think this way. I am angry, and I know this is robbing me of my present. I am letting the shitty thinking get a hold of my thoughts. Hopefully writing this down, I will start the process of release. 

This weekend I celebrated a life that ended way to soon. Her story told of a surrender of her circumstances to God. It was a comfort to know she was scared and angry, too. What courage it must take to face an incurable cancer, and still live a life of hope.

I was encouraged and reminded that living each day as it were your last means finding joy each day, being present in the present, and be grateful. Gratitude without fail regardless of circumstances. This is what it means to be brave. 

I will feel afraid, sad, mad, and angry during my lifetime, but I will choose joy (maybe better some days that others.) Regretting the past, and fear of the future will definitely rob me of the present. Each day is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

There will be birth and death. Happiness and sorrow. This is the circle of life.

Potty mouth

It really is, you know...alright. To tell me to stop thinking too much, is like telling me not to breathe. Breathing is good for me. Obsessive thoughts? Not so much.

I am in such a good place right now. It's kinda scary, but I'm not overthinking it (see what I did there.) Oh, don't get me wrong, things have gone shitty now and then. The difference is I'm learning to not stand in the pile of shit and contemplate why it stinks so bad. I am finding myself reaching for the hose faster to clean that shit off.

Trusting the whispers of God, which comes to me in my gut, is helping me to step over the shit more often instead of landing smack dead in the middle of proverbial pile.

All I mean by this poop talk is, there will always be shit storms. That is life. Loving myself no matter how smelly I get is really the point.

Go forth and love the shit out of yourself!

Pat on the back

"This is the most annoying song in the world, song in the world, song in the world. This is the most annoying song in the world, and this is how it goes. This is the most annoying song in the world, song in the world, song in the world. This is the most annoying song in the world, and this is how it goes. This is the most annoying song in the world...."

The more rampant the out of control thoughts I have, the more they start to sound like that annoying song. They play over and over and over and over...(are you annoyed yet?)

I had myself so worked up today (well, by the time this is posted it will be tomorrow.) I let someone's talk interrupt my peace. I let those words doubt my abilities and thought process. What the fuck?!? You'd think I'd be over that shit already. I may not ever get over it per se, but I can recognize the uneasy feelings in my gut quicker. I sought consul from two women who would understand the plight I was in, and even though their thoughts differed, I was able to glean some sanity that set well with my soul. Yay, me!!

Life is a journey, not a destination. My journey is on a smoother path than it has been in a long time. I was reminded today (now yesterday) that life's paths will always have rocks, potholes, and fallen branches, but that does not mean it is the end of the road.

Here's to bulldozing the debris!

Walk away from the gavel

Every day I wonder what kind of day it's going to be. Now that I have been having so many good days in a row, I feel like I'm starting to look over my "proverbial shoulder" for the bad day. I know how that sounds. Bad. But here I go judging every thought I have. Again. Am I thinking the right thought...the wrong thing. Geez, Louise.

Here comes the judge. Judge not lest ye be judged. Woman! Will you put the damn gavel down????

I have wanted to blog days earlier, but I have not felt well since Saturday. Headaches. Lots of 'em. Five days later, and I'm still having them. Real tired, too. It's been hard to do anything. This is usually when things start to go south for me mentally. Which comes first? Physical health or mental health. Who knows. Ask the chicken and the egg.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. 

What will I do different? I will rest. I will tell myself it's OK to take a break. Lots of them. I will feel grateful that I can take time to take time instead of guilty. Are you thinking "why does she feel guilty?" Or are you thinking "oh, I know what she means!" When I am not thinking I am worth it (in any way), I feel guilty over just about anything. For those of you identifying with the guilt, let me be an encouragement. I am worth it. You are worth it. We are worth it. 

Care for yourself as you would care for another. Would you give your best friend messages of guilt and shame? I know I wouldn't. Life is not a straight easy line. No, duh, you say?! I don't always remember this on consistent basis, but I'm not judging.

I will continue to stay vigilant over my obsessive thinking. That's a nice way say I will be obsessive over my obsessive thinking. Two negatives make a positive, right?

Who's driving your bus?

Well, hell. I am moving forward in a positive direction. The old stinkin' thinkin' just keeps trying to creep in and give me doubts, tell me I'm not good enough. Well, critical self, get the heck out of the driver's seat. Your license has been revoked.

I painted a picture and before it was exhibited, it sold. I made some cute birds out of broken jewelry and mounted them on canvas. I posted them for sale tonight and already sold two. The confirmation of my decision is evident.

My mood has shifted for the good since mid March. I am so so happy that I finally have energy and the drive to create and I'm not letting anything stop me. It has been a long year of struggling with depression and anxiety...the longest in a long time. What I'm getting at is the down has always come back. I'm already dreading it. Now tell me that isn't a joy killer. Regret over the past and fear of the future, leaves no room for the now. I choose to be in the now. To enjoy and be grateful for the tremendous lift in my mood. You will help keep me accountable since I've chosen to journal into cyberspace.

So, hey, hey, you, you, get outta my bus! There's a new attitude in town.  Hell, yeah!

Slow it down, you move too fast

1. Simon & Garfunkel, Feeling groovy, stereo - YouTube

   www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBQxG0Z72qM
   

   
   
2. Artist: Simon and Garfunkel
3. Album: Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme
4. Released: 1966

I love me some Simon & Garfunkel.  Slow it down, you move too fast.  This was my subconscious message today.  Mind you, it came after I read an article about how to get more traffic to your blog.  Being of the bipolar persuasion, it is my MO to think things are either black or white.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.  You get the idea.  

I started to foster a brilliant plan to get my blog out to more people.  I could do this  I could do that.  I was exhausted by 9 AM.  See what I'm doing here?  The minute this stops being about me, it fails. 

This happens to be a big character defect in me.  Somehow I turn who I am into someone I think someone wants me to be.  All this does is give me a big fat headache.  

Get over yourself, woman!  I know a little about a lot.  As a friend told me today, "you don't corner the market on the crazies."  Well played, sir.  I'm just humble enough (and maybe just a little brave enough) to write down the swirling thoughts in my head.   What I'm doing right now is enough.  It is good enough.  I'm good enough.  So like me, or don't.  It's OK, because I like me(: