Slow and steady wins the race

Stop focusing on your pain, you're just making it worse. Most of it's mental.

These words are not helpful. But, I'm working on looking at these as statements of ignorance. At least as they apply to me. I do enough self criticizing. No one knows me, but me. 

I will admit to obsessive thinking, and heading, first thing, to the worst possible scenario.

The fact is, though, I am experiencing a lot of pain. It is very overwhelming and tiring. 

I am still persevering. It's one of the things I do best.  Thank goodness!

I'm having much more "freak out" episodes lately (read: anxiety attacks.) Thankfully, they subside. Last week I was cleared to take xanax during the day if I need it. So far, I haven't needed it...

I am having progressive strides in exercising. I'm walking about 3x a week. I had to stop rehabbing my left shoulder, because it was making it worse, but I am working on my left one, because I know there is instability in that one. Thankfully, no dislocations on that side, but now, of course, I'm fearful that this shoulder will dislocate mysteriously too! A follow up appointment is scheduled later this month.

I have a lot of weight to lose that has crept up on me pretty quickly. Getting blood work done to check out any possible medical reasons. The good news is I'm drinking one to two smoothies a day with all kinds of healthy ingredients and the sweet cravings are almost non existent.

My daughter turned 18 this week...such a milestone!

My youngest son, a sophomore, seems to be settling into high school life. So far, so good!

I got to paint a fun window mural, and sold another painting! I've painted and framed new artwork, and they are hanging for sale at a local store.

I am looking for things to be grateful for to help push away the "stinkin' thinkin'."

I am in a cycle of unstable mood issues right now..."this too shall pass." Unfortunately, I seem to be stuck in the slow lane. I am reminded of this helpful quote by Confucius; 

"It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop."

Here's to waking up to another day, which is a gift! Enjoy yours:)

Don't cry, baby. Don't cry.

I have had hours, or so, of almost having a breakdown. Not every day. But, a lot of days.

Such despair.
Such sadness.
Overwhelming overwhelm-ness.
Anger. A lot of anger.

Just when I think these feelings won't ever go away...they at least lesssen. Talking sense into myself is exhausting. I get so mentally fatigued. I am so pissed. This is not helpful, because it makes me judge myself, and not like myself. Which keeps the shitty cycle going. Have I mentioned this is not helpful?

I think, how can keep digging my nails into the cliff to keep from falling into the abyss? Honestly, I don't know. I just do. I must. I could choose not to...but that is scary as hell.

We (my husband and I) are in a precarious financial situation. We are trusting God for His provision, and He never let's us down. I am human (the fact that I just wrote that makes me chuckle.) This means I still default to worry. Before I quit my job in April, I had been agonizing over what other type of job I could do to replace that income. I came up with nada. My health was suffering over the stress though, and I had to quit without a plan.

I have been freed up to follow my art dreams. Yay!!

This sounds easy, but it's not. Well, not exactly. I was letting myself get depressed, which lead to no painting. Counter productive to say the least. I talk too much to myself in my head, and it turns into a very bad neighborhood pretty quickly. I should never venture there alone too long.

Do I get a part time job so there is money coming in that we can count on? But, that question puts me right back to where I started. What would I do??????

I worked at a job that didn't love for 16 and a half years. I quit when my second child was born. Then, 2 years later,  my third was born. About a year later, I started to battle against mental health issues. I was unable to work even if I wanted to. I had three children by this time, and I was...well, not in a very good place for a long time.

I started my holiday window painting in 1997, and that was my source of income. It was manageable, because it was flexible. I have had four part time jobs in the last four years which has been quite an accomplishment, because I never thought I could work a "real" job again.

Going back to my stresses of late...where will the money come from? I am never guaranteed of income. Get a "real" job? ...ugh!

I had a dream last night. I thought about going back to the company I worked for 18 years ago. I cried and cried and cried. I thought about going back to another job I had, but there was so too much "stuff" there that was not healthy to go back to. I cried and cried and cried. Then a voice spoke very loud to me..."just fucking paint!! Just do it. This is what you want. This is what makes you happy. This, despite any stress, is worth it! It's right in front of you. Just fucking paint!!"

I woke convicted.
I woke up revived.
I woke up to my purpose.

I worked on sketches for commissioned work. Duh. I had been dragging feet.

I worked on some new paintings that I had been asked to do. A client wants to hang them in her shop to sell. Duh.

I tend to create such a war in my head, and I get so exhausted.

I'd like to say that I will quit doing this, but it is always lurking. This is why I'm grateful that I will always keep my nails dug in.

I didn't cry today. I did some things that kept me living my dream. I moved forward. Slowly, but I still moved forward.

Yay, me!!

Circle of life

There is birth, life, celebrations, and there is sickness, tragedies and death. Death and sickness has been prominent this month. I am sad. I am scared.

Scared of what? I am scared I will not get to do/accomplish what I want. I'm afraid to leave behind the people I love. I some bizarre way, I am experiences feelings of abandonment from myself. The early lost of my mother is blatant right now. I don't want to hurt my kids that way.

I know how irrational this thought pattern is. Regardless...I still think this way. I am angry, and I know this is robbing me of my present. I am letting the shitty thinking get a hold of my thoughts. Hopefully writing this down, I will start the process of release. 

This weekend I celebrated a life that ended way to soon. Her story told of a surrender of her circumstances to God. It was a comfort to know she was scared and angry, too. What courage it must take to face an incurable cancer, and still live a life of hope.

I was encouraged and reminded that living each day as it were your last means finding joy each day, being present in the present, and be grateful. Gratitude without fail regardless of circumstances. This is what it means to be brave. 

I will feel afraid, sad, mad, and angry during my lifetime, but I will choose joy (maybe better some days that others.) Regretting the past, and fear of the future will definitely rob me of the present. Each day is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

There will be birth and death. Happiness and sorrow. This is the circle of life.

Stop this merry-go-round, I want to get off

Yes, this is me right now. 

This is a simpler visual of this cycle...

How did I get this way? Today I am using my recovery tools to investigate. Let's look at the acronym for HALT.

H=hungry

A=angry

L=lonely

T=tired 

Usually, when I am experiencing more than one of this things at a time, or one for an extended time, then  the cycle commences.

Hungry...not so much. I am upset with myself about my weight, and the fact I am not doing anything about it. (Sidebar...I have done well so far today though!)

Angry...my anger reached a boiling point on Saturday.  I did remember to tell my husband to watch out, but know it was not about him.

Lonely...it is has been an adjustment with my schedule. I was working most days with others, and now I am home most hours by myself. 

Tired...well, that's the biggie. The one that is usually the biggest trigger. My sleep has been so screwy. Add the fact that I am not wearing my CPAP (for sleep apnea), well you probably get the idea.

Now that I have identified my triggers and confessed them to you, let me tell you, and remind myself, I am doing better than I think I am. How you ask? Ok, maybe you didn't ask, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. If I want to change my behavior, I have to make different decisions. I decided to eat better today! I can make that choice at every meal (and snack.) The more I am on my own with my schedule, I am learning that I still need to take time for "me time." Also, blogging today lets me visit with you. Tired, well, I will get myself to bed earlier. As for wearing the mask, honestly I don't notice a difference in how I feel if I wear it or not. Sometimes I actually sleep worse because the mask wakes me up when it slips out of place. When you place all those things in the washing machine the cycle stays on agitated. And boy, do I get angry.

I'm feeling off today, and that's ok. There, I said it. It's ok not to be ok. A bad day does not make a bad life. Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

Take care cause I care!

I take a licking, and keep on ticking

I wish I had something brilliant to say. Alas, brilliance escapes me (right now). 

I am continuing to be amazed at the positive response to my artwork. Well, not my artwork per se, but the fact that people are buying it! I took a painting to a shop yesterday to hang, and before I was there 15 minutes, a man walked in and bought it!!!! I KNOW RIGHT! Happy dance!!

My thinking continues to want to follow old patterns.  Normal, I know. We do what feels comfortable. Until it feels uncomfortable and we remember this doesn't work for us anymore. My old thinking wants to tell me that when I start doing the right things I won't feel bad anymore. OK, I might of lost you there. Last post I told you that I had been struggling with headaches. It has always been a struggle to know if the headaches come from mental health issues, or my mental health issues come after the headaches. Oh...my aching head.

Suffice it to say, I am doing mentally well, but the headaches are still coming. I'm practicing keeping on keeping on. I'm reminding myself that a bad day doesn't not mean a bad life. I am learning to listen to my body and be nice to it. Different from yelling at myself "what's the matter with you!" I have the ability to knock myself down and out very quickly. I am managing to stand up to that bully and tell her to leave me the fuck alone. Ahhhh...the use of 4 letter words to release stress never lets me down.

I'm going to painting up a storm this week to have pictures to hang during an event in Wilton Manors next weekend. Comment if you are in the Fort Lauderdale area and would like any info!

Last, but not least, I do have a doctor's appointment this week to get to the bottom of these headaches. Wish me well!

Persisting

I have continued to be able to persist. This is really, really great! It really is, because I don't have a very good track record. Since I resigned from my job I have had a tremendous relief from stress. It was a good job, don't get me wrong. It was just one that had me operating out of the way I am wired. I had this job for 3 years. The longest time of employment since I left my first job of almost 17 years.

It might not seem like a big deal, and actually you might be calling me an under achiever (or lazy, or lucky...but it doesn't really matter,  'cause what you think of me is none of my business.) The fact is my mental health hell began during my last pregnancy in 1999. What started out as a decision to be a stay at home mom, became a struggle to be well. It has been a greater struggle at times than others, and the past 12 months have been the longest time of struggling in quite awhile.

I have the opportunity to concentrate on my art full time (again), but this time without small children. I am a professional persevere-er (look out Dr. Suess.) My power has increased and I am actually living the dream. I am selling more of my art now than I have ever. It helps that I am creating my own art consistently for the first time! I am so full of stored up ideas, and I don't think I'll ever run out. I have received confirmation over and over that I am doing the right thing. I am trusting God will continue to provide for our needs. I am actually OK setting aside my wants.

I am persisting every day. One step at a time.

Let go, let God

I heard from a friend this past week. Her daughter is being held by the Navy until she is well enough to be discharged (there is more to this story, but it's necessary to share). She is sick and scared. She has had everything stolen from her. She can not call home. She still has to stand guard during her shifts even though she has a fever, nosebleeds, hair falling out, dehydrated....This is an outrage beyond outrage. My friend is so beside herself that she is standing on the other side. The feelings of being so hopeless, so powerless. Please pray, she said. So that is what I've been doing.

Let go, let God.

Surrender-verb:

: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed

: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else

I know of this surrender of which I speak. Getting to that place is not easy and is scary. I think if I just try harder (what ever that looks like), I can control what is happening. Society tells us we that if we work hard, we get what we want. We can make good things happen.  Don't get me wrong, we do have to participate in life to move forward. But. there is a relationship that we need to surrender to. Our relationship with God. Surrender takes faith in a power greater that ourselves; our creator. I think most would agree that faith is easy in the good times. My prayer has always been, God may I have the same faith in the storms as in the sunshine. It's easy to blame God when the shit goes down. The truth I understand is God wants good for me. We live in a fallen, cruel world. God is with me in the crap. In order for me to surrender, I must trust God will use any thing for good. In a lot of ways, this is a VERY HARD concept to wrap my head around. We could discuss til it the cows come home. I will just share the biggest storm of my life and how I surrendered and how God is using it.

On September 11, 2008, after being sick for 4 days, my oldest son told me had swallowed a handful of 650 mg of Tylenol. He had OD. By the time we rushed him to the emergency room he was throwing up blood. Acetaminophen poisoning is best treated within 8-12 hours. We were at 96. The doctors treated him with the available medicine. They told me all we could do is wait. As we waited, his liver enzymes continued to drop. The doctor said it would probably go one of two ways. Liver transplant or death. I stayed with him in ICU non-stop. The doctors where doing everything they could. There was nothing to do but wait. I gave my son to God. I prayed white light around his liver. I pictured him on an alter surrounded by white light. I told God I trusted him with my son. I told Him whatever happened, whether he needed a liver transplant, he died, or he fully recovered, I trusted that God would use this storm to glorify His love for us. That...that was true surrender, and I felt complete peace. On day 3 1/2 his enzymes stopped dropping. Day 4 1/2 they started the slow climb back up. My son had a full recovery with no damage to his liver. God has used this storm to strengthen my son and his faith. He is a godly man, that continues to trust God's leading in his life. God taught me that, no matter what, He will never leave me. Yes, this story ends with life, but I trust my stories to end with life. Maybe, not the way I would want it, but the way God will best use it to glorify His love.

I'd like to say it is easier for me to surrender now, but the truth is as soon as my son came home from the hospital, I was a wreck. To me he was safe in the hospital, but now he was back in the cruel world. I had to keep practicing surrender...over and over and over. It is a daily practice. One I don't always get right, but I know is not impossible. With God, all things are possible.

I have been through the 12 Steps three times. Most people think these are just for alcoholics and addicts. We all need to admit we are powerless in order to truly surrender. I've listed the first 3 steps from Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centered recovery program. These take work, but it is worth it.

I am always willing to share my recovery story. Peace be with you.

Celebrate Recovery 12 Steps and Biblical Comparisons 

 

1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.Romans 7:18 

 

2 We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.Philippians 2:13 

 

3 We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.Romans 12:1 

Who's driving your bus?

Well, hell. I am moving forward in a positive direction. The old stinkin' thinkin' just keeps trying to creep in and give me doubts, tell me I'm not good enough. Well, critical self, get the heck out of the driver's seat. Your license has been revoked.

I painted a picture and before it was exhibited, it sold. I made some cute birds out of broken jewelry and mounted them on canvas. I posted them for sale tonight and already sold two. The confirmation of my decision is evident.

My mood has shifted for the good since mid March. I am so so happy that I finally have energy and the drive to create and I'm not letting anything stop me. It has been a long year of struggling with depression and anxiety...the longest in a long time. What I'm getting at is the down has always come back. I'm already dreading it. Now tell me that isn't a joy killer. Regret over the past and fear of the future, leaves no room for the now. I choose to be in the now. To enjoy and be grateful for the tremendous lift in my mood. You will help keep me accountable since I've chosen to journal into cyberspace.

So, hey, hey, you, you, get outta my bus! There's a new attitude in town.  Hell, yeah!

Keep calm

I spent last weekend in Orlando for my daughter's last club volleyball tournament.  We left Thursday afternoon and got home Sunday early evening.  I love watching her play volleyball, but I have to say this activity is one I'm glad to take off my plate.  *sighing with relief*  Cutting down my schedule is getting better and better.

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."  -Maya Angelou

Yay, me!  I listened to myself and rested today.  Good job, Heather.  Taking care of myself is a moment by moment practice.  Mark 12:31  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  "AS" definition; to the same degree, amount, or extent; similarly; equally.  Not more than.  Not less than.  Love yourself so you can fully love others.

What will you do differently to be able love yourself?

Slow it down, you move too fast

1. Simon & Garfunkel, Feeling groovy, stereo - YouTube

   www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBQxG0Z72qM
   

   
   
2. Artist: Simon and Garfunkel
3. Album: Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme
4. Released: 1966

I love me some Simon & Garfunkel.  Slow it down, you move too fast.  This was my subconscious message today.  Mind you, it came after I read an article about how to get more traffic to your blog.  Being of the bipolar persuasion, it is my MO to think things are either black or white.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.  You get the idea.  

I started to foster a brilliant plan to get my blog out to more people.  I could do this  I could do that.  I was exhausted by 9 AM.  See what I'm doing here?  The minute this stops being about me, it fails. 

This happens to be a big character defect in me.  Somehow I turn who I am into someone I think someone wants me to be.  All this does is give me a big fat headache.  

Get over yourself, woman!  I know a little about a lot.  As a friend told me today, "you don't corner the market on the crazies."  Well played, sir.  I'm just humble enough (and maybe just a little brave enough) to write down the swirling thoughts in my head.   What I'm doing right now is enough.  It is good enough.  I'm good enough.  So like me, or don't.  It's OK, because I like me(: