This post is a downer, so read if you dare

Long time no blog.

I feel bad about this, but honestly, I don't want to feel bad anymore. About anything.

Unfortunately, I'm finding this very difficult.

Lately, most days my thoughts and emotions reach such a boiling point, all I can tell myself is "I cant do this anymore." I just can't. Can not.

But, I do. And it sucks balls. Sweaty balls. I'm so tired. I feel sick part of everyday. Thank goodness there seems to be an ebb and flow to this shit storm.

But, believe you me, when it is flowing...I just can't.

I am having so much pain right now. I've been rehabbing my shoulder for the last 3 weeks, and there has been no improvement. It actually feels worse. My neck, arm, hand and back are reeking havoc, too.

I actually thought about wrecking my car today. Just thought about it. No, I'm not suicidal. Just so full of yukkyness.

All I keep saying to myself is "It's not like you have cancer and are dying." Oh, the guilt I feel for feeling so shitty, How dare I?

I feel near hopeless and useless. If you could hear the battle in my head, you would have a migraine. Every day is such a battle.

"Keep moving forward." "This too shall pass." "Breathe." "Your feelings are not the truth." "Be quiet, mean voice. You are not the boss of me." "Push." "Persevere." "Pray." "Trust God." "Get up even though you don't want to." Etc, etc, etc....

I have to be the one to battle the bad voices. "Why can't you just get well, and stay well." "If only you would stay on a schedule." "You are lazy." "You selfish girl." "You must want people to feel sorry for you." "I have no friends." "No one understands me." "You are ungrateful." "You are always having a pity party." "You are not worth it." "I hate everyone." "I just need to move away." "Leave me alone." "Why aren't you paying attention to me."

Okay, you can see how the negative paragraph is easier to write. That seems to be human nature to be quick to remember the negatives.

I don't even know what I am saying right now. I didn't even want to write this. But somewhere, down deep, I figured I owed it to myself to write this down...this...whatever "this" is.

I'm sorry I am such a downer right now. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome, and I just need to go somewhere and keep my mouth shut. No one likes a whiner. Wine, yes. Whiner, no.

Blah, blah, blah...I'm sick of thinking about this anymore. I'm going to bed and, yet again, hope tomorrow shines brighter in the dark recesses of my mind.

Okay, bye. For now.

Pat on the back

"This is the most annoying song in the world, song in the world, song in the world. This is the most annoying song in the world, and this is how it goes. This is the most annoying song in the world, song in the world, song in the world. This is the most annoying song in the world, and this is how it goes. This is the most annoying song in the world...."

The more rampant the out of control thoughts I have, the more they start to sound like that annoying song. They play over and over and over and over...(are you annoyed yet?)

I had myself so worked up today (well, by the time this is posted it will be tomorrow.) I let someone's talk interrupt my peace. I let those words doubt my abilities and thought process. What the fuck?!? You'd think I'd be over that shit already. I may not ever get over it per se, but I can recognize the uneasy feelings in my gut quicker. I sought consul from two women who would understand the plight I was in, and even though their thoughts differed, I was able to glean some sanity that set well with my soul. Yay, me!!

Life is a journey, not a destination. My journey is on a smoother path than it has been in a long time. I was reminded today (now yesterday) that life's paths will always have rocks, potholes, and fallen branches, but that does not mean it is the end of the road.

Here's to bulldozing the debris!

I take a licking, and keep on ticking

I wish I had something brilliant to say. Alas, brilliance escapes me (right now). 

I am continuing to be amazed at the positive response to my artwork. Well, not my artwork per se, but the fact that people are buying it! I took a painting to a shop yesterday to hang, and before I was there 15 minutes, a man walked in and bought it!!!! I KNOW RIGHT! Happy dance!!

My thinking continues to want to follow old patterns.  Normal, I know. We do what feels comfortable. Until it feels uncomfortable and we remember this doesn't work for us anymore. My old thinking wants to tell me that when I start doing the right things I won't feel bad anymore. OK, I might of lost you there. Last post I told you that I had been struggling with headaches. It has always been a struggle to know if the headaches come from mental health issues, or my mental health issues come after the headaches. Oh...my aching head.

Suffice it to say, I am doing mentally well, but the headaches are still coming. I'm practicing keeping on keeping on. I'm reminding myself that a bad day doesn't not mean a bad life. I am learning to listen to my body and be nice to it. Different from yelling at myself "what's the matter with you!" I have the ability to knock myself down and out very quickly. I am managing to stand up to that bully and tell her to leave me the fuck alone. Ahhhh...the use of 4 letter words to release stress never lets me down.

I'm going to painting up a storm this week to have pictures to hang during an event in Wilton Manors next weekend. Comment if you are in the Fort Lauderdale area and would like any info!

Last, but not least, I do have a doctor's appointment this week to get to the bottom of these headaches. Wish me well!

Queen for a day

Woohoo!! I celebrated my 50th birthday this week! I was a queen for the day! Some women say they are 29 again. Not me. I have celebrated every year I've lived past 37. I wrote the reason for this in a previous post. You can read it here. I haven't always felt so "queen-like" though.

The battle I fight everyday is real. Twenty years ago I had reached a point where the suffering was so great that I felt it would be a relief to die. Anxiety, depression, and bipolar 2. Skip to the last few years and add meniere's, bruxism, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, dry eyes, arthritis...you get the idea. Geez! Let's not dwell on such things. I tell you these things, not because I want pity (absolutely not!), but because you never know what someone is struggling with. There are many people out there facing much worse and it helps me to put things into perspective. To see and hear of people overcoming adversities gives me hope. They encourage me.

I had a choice to make. I chose life. To have courage. To fight. To be fucking brave.

There is something wonderful happening this year. It hasn't been instantaneous, but a continuous forward moving work in progress. I have persevered through many trials, and asked God to give me the same faith during the bad times that I have in the good times.

I have always felt called to be a full-time artist, but fear(s) left me unable to live into that dream the way I felt I could. The stress of living outside of how I am wired was giving me such anxiety that I thought I was having a heart attack a couple of times. I quit my job that I was afraid to leave because of missing certain aspects and financial concerns. It was a good job, mind you. Just not one God had
in mind for me anymore. For the first time ever, I feel like I can actually do this artist thing. I am not afraid (too much). My mood is (relatively) stable. I have energy and focus (my kids are older). I am motivated and the most important, I believe in myself. I am having more and more victories!

I know God has good plans for me, and I am ready to walk in those steps. God saved this queen!

Let go, let God

I heard from a friend this past week. Her daughter is being held by the Navy until she is well enough to be discharged (there is more to this story, but it's necessary to share). She is sick and scared. She has had everything stolen from her. She can not call home. She still has to stand guard during her shifts even though she has a fever, nosebleeds, hair falling out, dehydrated....This is an outrage beyond outrage. My friend is so beside herself that she is standing on the other side. The feelings of being so hopeless, so powerless. Please pray, she said. So that is what I've been doing.

Let go, let God.

Surrender-verb:

: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed

: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else

I know of this surrender of which I speak. Getting to that place is not easy and is scary. I think if I just try harder (what ever that looks like), I can control what is happening. Society tells us we that if we work hard, we get what we want. We can make good things happen.  Don't get me wrong, we do have to participate in life to move forward. But. there is a relationship that we need to surrender to. Our relationship with God. Surrender takes faith in a power greater that ourselves; our creator. I think most would agree that faith is easy in the good times. My prayer has always been, God may I have the same faith in the storms as in the sunshine. It's easy to blame God when the shit goes down. The truth I understand is God wants good for me. We live in a fallen, cruel world. God is with me in the crap. In order for me to surrender, I must trust God will use any thing for good. In a lot of ways, this is a VERY HARD concept to wrap my head around. We could discuss til it the cows come home. I will just share the biggest storm of my life and how I surrendered and how God is using it.

On September 11, 2008, after being sick for 4 days, my oldest son told me had swallowed a handful of 650 mg of Tylenol. He had OD. By the time we rushed him to the emergency room he was throwing up blood. Acetaminophen poisoning is best treated within 8-12 hours. We were at 96. The doctors treated him with the available medicine. They told me all we could do is wait. As we waited, his liver enzymes continued to drop. The doctor said it would probably go one of two ways. Liver transplant or death. I stayed with him in ICU non-stop. The doctors where doing everything they could. There was nothing to do but wait. I gave my son to God. I prayed white light around his liver. I pictured him on an alter surrounded by white light. I told God I trusted him with my son. I told Him whatever happened, whether he needed a liver transplant, he died, or he fully recovered, I trusted that God would use this storm to glorify His love for us. That...that was true surrender, and I felt complete peace. On day 3 1/2 his enzymes stopped dropping. Day 4 1/2 they started the slow climb back up. My son had a full recovery with no damage to his liver. God has used this storm to strengthen my son and his faith. He is a godly man, that continues to trust God's leading in his life. God taught me that, no matter what, He will never leave me. Yes, this story ends with life, but I trust my stories to end with life. Maybe, not the way I would want it, but the way God will best use it to glorify His love.

I'd like to say it is easier for me to surrender now, but the truth is as soon as my son came home from the hospital, I was a wreck. To me he was safe in the hospital, but now he was back in the cruel world. I had to keep practicing surrender...over and over and over. It is a daily practice. One I don't always get right, but I know is not impossible. With God, all things are possible.

I have been through the 12 Steps three times. Most people think these are just for alcoholics and addicts. We all need to admit we are powerless in order to truly surrender. I've listed the first 3 steps from Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centered recovery program. These take work, but it is worth it.

I am always willing to share my recovery story. Peace be with you.

Celebrate Recovery 12 Steps and Biblical Comparisons 

 

1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.Romans 7:18 

 

2 We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.Philippians 2:13 

 

3 We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.Romans 12:1 

I'm bloomin' happy

Photo creds to Tracy Verdugo

Do I have any petals showing?  I've faced a lot of adversity in my time, and some of that turmoil has existed only in my thoughts.  I'm sure you've heard "the mind is a terrible thing to waste."  I must admit I've been wasted...a lot.  Well, no, not like that jeez!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I am so damn strong I can lift a Buick. (Confession.  I was not the clever one to come up with that.)  I grew some more presevere-ing muscles this weekend.  That means I didn't die when I made a decision that changed the course of my life!  Can I get a "whoop whoop"?!?!

The lesson I share is to listen to the God whispers in your life.  He is NOT the author of confusion God wants you to have an abundant life and to grant you peace.   Sooner or later (sooner, please) I will not grovel in the dirt so long.  I will spread my petals and bloom.   

 I'd like to know your experience of kicking ass.  I mean overcoming adversity(:

"Weeds are friends, once you get to know them." -Winnie-the-Pooh