This post is a downer, so read if you dare

Long time no blog.

I feel bad about this, but honestly, I don't want to feel bad anymore. About anything.

Unfortunately, I'm finding this very difficult.

Lately, most days my thoughts and emotions reach such a boiling point, all I can tell myself is "I cant do this anymore." I just can't. Can not.

But, I do. And it sucks balls. Sweaty balls. I'm so tired. I feel sick part of everyday. Thank goodness there seems to be an ebb and flow to this shit storm.

But, believe you me, when it is flowing...I just can't.

I am having so much pain right now. I've been rehabbing my shoulder for the last 3 weeks, and there has been no improvement. It actually feels worse. My neck, arm, hand and back are reeking havoc, too.

I actually thought about wrecking my car today. Just thought about it. No, I'm not suicidal. Just so full of yukkyness.

All I keep saying to myself is "It's not like you have cancer and are dying." Oh, the guilt I feel for feeling so shitty, How dare I?

I feel near hopeless and useless. If you could hear the battle in my head, you would have a migraine. Every day is such a battle.

"Keep moving forward." "This too shall pass." "Breathe." "Your feelings are not the truth." "Be quiet, mean voice. You are not the boss of me." "Push." "Persevere." "Pray." "Trust God." "Get up even though you don't want to." Etc, etc, etc....

I have to be the one to battle the bad voices. "Why can't you just get well, and stay well." "If only you would stay on a schedule." "You are lazy." "You selfish girl." "You must want people to feel sorry for you." "I have no friends." "No one understands me." "You are ungrateful." "You are always having a pity party." "You are not worth it." "I hate everyone." "I just need to move away." "Leave me alone." "Why aren't you paying attention to me."

Okay, you can see how the negative paragraph is easier to write. That seems to be human nature to be quick to remember the negatives.

I don't even know what I am saying right now. I didn't even want to write this. But somewhere, down deep, I figured I owed it to myself to write this down...this...whatever "this" is.

I'm sorry I am such a downer right now. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome, and I just need to go somewhere and keep my mouth shut. No one likes a whiner. Wine, yes. Whiner, no.

Blah, blah, blah...I'm sick of thinking about this anymore. I'm going to bed and, yet again, hope tomorrow shines brighter in the dark recesses of my mind.

Okay, bye. For now.