Let go, let God

I heard from a friend this past week. Her daughter is being held by the Navy until she is well enough to be discharged (there is more to this story, but it's necessary to share). She is sick and scared. She has had everything stolen from her. She can not call home. She still has to stand guard during her shifts even though she has a fever, nosebleeds, hair falling out, dehydrated....This is an outrage beyond outrage. My friend is so beside herself that she is standing on the other side. The feelings of being so hopeless, so powerless. Please pray, she said. So that is what I've been doing.

Let go, let God.

Surrender-verb:

: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed

: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else

I know of this surrender of which I speak. Getting to that place is not easy and is scary. I think if I just try harder (what ever that looks like), I can control what is happening. Society tells us we that if we work hard, we get what we want. We can make good things happen.  Don't get me wrong, we do have to participate in life to move forward. But. there is a relationship that we need to surrender to. Our relationship with God. Surrender takes faith in a power greater that ourselves; our creator. I think most would agree that faith is easy in the good times. My prayer has always been, God may I have the same faith in the storms as in the sunshine. It's easy to blame God when the shit goes down. The truth I understand is God wants good for me. We live in a fallen, cruel world. God is with me in the crap. In order for me to surrender, I must trust God will use any thing for good. In a lot of ways, this is a VERY HARD concept to wrap my head around. We could discuss til it the cows come home. I will just share the biggest storm of my life and how I surrendered and how God is using it.

On September 11, 2008, after being sick for 4 days, my oldest son told me had swallowed a handful of 650 mg of Tylenol. He had OD. By the time we rushed him to the emergency room he was throwing up blood. Acetaminophen poisoning is best treated within 8-12 hours. We were at 96. The doctors treated him with the available medicine. They told me all we could do is wait. As we waited, his liver enzymes continued to drop. The doctor said it would probably go one of two ways. Liver transplant or death. I stayed with him in ICU non-stop. The doctors where doing everything they could. There was nothing to do but wait. I gave my son to God. I prayed white light around his liver. I pictured him on an alter surrounded by white light. I told God I trusted him with my son. I told Him whatever happened, whether he needed a liver transplant, he died, or he fully recovered, I trusted that God would use this storm to glorify His love for us. That...that was true surrender, and I felt complete peace. On day 3 1/2 his enzymes stopped dropping. Day 4 1/2 they started the slow climb back up. My son had a full recovery with no damage to his liver. God has used this storm to strengthen my son and his faith. He is a godly man, that continues to trust God's leading in his life. God taught me that, no matter what, He will never leave me. Yes, this story ends with life, but I trust my stories to end with life. Maybe, not the way I would want it, but the way God will best use it to glorify His love.

I'd like to say it is easier for me to surrender now, but the truth is as soon as my son came home from the hospital, I was a wreck. To me he was safe in the hospital, but now he was back in the cruel world. I had to keep practicing surrender...over and over and over. It is a daily practice. One I don't always get right, but I know is not impossible. With God, all things are possible.

I have been through the 12 Steps three times. Most people think these are just for alcoholics and addicts. We all need to admit we are powerless in order to truly surrender. I've listed the first 3 steps from Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centered recovery program. These take work, but it is worth it.

I am always willing to share my recovery story. Peace be with you.

Celebrate Recovery 12 Steps and Biblical Comparisons 

 

1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.Romans 7:18 

 

2 We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.Philippians 2:13 

 

3 We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.Romans 12:1 

Who's driving your bus?

Well, hell. I am moving forward in a positive direction. The old stinkin' thinkin' just keeps trying to creep in and give me doubts, tell me I'm not good enough. Well, critical self, get the heck out of the driver's seat. Your license has been revoked.

I painted a picture and before it was exhibited, it sold. I made some cute birds out of broken jewelry and mounted them on canvas. I posted them for sale tonight and already sold two. The confirmation of my decision is evident.

My mood has shifted for the good since mid March. I am so so happy that I finally have energy and the drive to create and I'm not letting anything stop me. It has been a long year of struggling with depression and anxiety...the longest in a long time. What I'm getting at is the down has always come back. I'm already dreading it. Now tell me that isn't a joy killer. Regret over the past and fear of the future, leaves no room for the now. I choose to be in the now. To enjoy and be grateful for the tremendous lift in my mood. You will help keep me accountable since I've chosen to journal into cyberspace.

So, hey, hey, you, you, get outta my bus! There's a new attitude in town.  Hell, yeah!

Keep calm

I spent last weekend in Orlando for my daughter's last club volleyball tournament.  We left Thursday afternoon and got home Sunday early evening.  I love watching her play volleyball, but I have to say this activity is one I'm glad to take off my plate.  *sighing with relief*  Cutting down my schedule is getting better and better.

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."  -Maya Angelou

Yay, me!  I listened to myself and rested today.  Good job, Heather.  Taking care of myself is a moment by moment practice.  Mark 12:31  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  "AS" definition; to the same degree, amount, or extent; similarly; equally.  Not more than.  Not less than.  Love yourself so you can fully love others.

What will you do differently to be able love yourself?

I'm worth it

I was told today that it is OK if I don't blog everyday.  Actually, two times a week is good.  Thank you, friend.  See I'm doing it again.  Taking things to the n'th degree.  With this advise, I remembered what I told myself just a few days ago. Take what I think I can do and cut it in half.  Schedule times of rejuvenation, so I can be the best me I can.

Remember to take of yourself.  We'll remind each other.  We're worth it!

End on a good note

Having relieved myself of a major stressor, you can imaging the disappointment I felt when I realized I was having anxiety today. Just when I get my shit together, I forget where I put it.

 

Did you know there is such a thing as Monday blues? Yeah, imaging that! Most times it starts Sunday afternoon when you realize your weekend is over and it's back to the weekly grind.  I have always had a bad relationship with Mondays. Today I think it was the realization of the life decision I made last week. Oh, don't worry! It was the right decision for me.  I think today was just sticker shock.

I am in a stable mental state right now (which we know is relative to-well, everything) and very motivated to create art. This is what I've always wanted and I want the scary feelings of inadequacy to stay the heck away! Shoo fly, don't bother me.

To end this on a good note, I sold a painting!  One I created, not commissioned. This is HUGE for me! A dream come true. By taking care of myself, I am opening myself to receive the blessings God has for me. Here's a cropped image of "Peacock".

I am so excited!  Get ready for more...art not anxiety(:

No time like the present

Stress is a bitch. Just ask my blood pressure. I even had to drag my ass to the doctor not once, but twice because I thought I was having a heart attack.

Don't wait until later. If you want to go on a kayak, do it. I have been told that I need to slow down. Take care of yourself. Care for yourself. Sounds good, I know, but not something I do very well. Until that picture.  I followed Nike's advice and just did it. How freeing! What a gift I gave myself. Give it to yourself.

This is not a suggestion. This is an order!

I'm bloomin' happy

Photo creds to Tracy Verdugo

Do I have any petals showing?  I've faced a lot of adversity in my time, and some of that turmoil has existed only in my thoughts.  I'm sure you've heard "the mind is a terrible thing to waste."  I must admit I've been wasted...a lot.  Well, no, not like that jeez!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I am so damn strong I can lift a Buick. (Confession.  I was not the clever one to come up with that.)  I grew some more presevere-ing muscles this weekend.  That means I didn't die when I made a decision that changed the course of my life!  Can I get a "whoop whoop"?!?!

The lesson I share is to listen to the God whispers in your life.  He is NOT the author of confusion God wants you to have an abundant life and to grant you peace.   Sooner or later (sooner, please) I will not grovel in the dirt so long.  I will spread my petals and bloom.   

 I'd like to know your experience of kicking ass.  I mean overcoming adversity(:

"Weeds are friends, once you get to know them." -Winnie-the-Pooh

Slow it down, you move too fast

1. Simon & Garfunkel, Feeling groovy, stereo - YouTube

   www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBQxG0Z72qM
   

   
   
2. Artist: Simon and Garfunkel
3. Album: Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme
4. Released: 1966

I love me some Simon & Garfunkel.  Slow it down, you move too fast.  This was my subconscious message today.  Mind you, it came after I read an article about how to get more traffic to your blog.  Being of the bipolar persuasion, it is my MO to think things are either black or white.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.  You get the idea.  

I started to foster a brilliant plan to get my blog out to more people.  I could do this  I could do that.  I was exhausted by 9 AM.  See what I'm doing here?  The minute this stops being about me, it fails. 

This happens to be a big character defect in me.  Somehow I turn who I am into someone I think someone wants me to be.  All this does is give me a big fat headache.  

Get over yourself, woman!  I know a little about a lot.  As a friend told me today, "you don't corner the market on the crazies."  Well played, sir.  I'm just humble enough (and maybe just a little brave enough) to write down the swirling thoughts in my head.   What I'm doing right now is enough.  It is good enough.  I'm good enough.  So like me, or don't.  It's OK, because I like me(:

What the duck?

Have you seen this before?  This was my day.  Damn it!  Try as I might the effers just did their own thing.  My ducks happen to come in the form of teenagers.  One is off in college almost 500 miles away, and got a concussionn. In the midst of life happening all around me, I was consumed (like all moms) by trying to care for him.  It all worked out and he is fine.  The other two also have my heart and devotion.  I bleed for them when shit happens.  

My life did get somewhat better when I gave my kids to God to care for.  He is way better at it than me, and that kind of surrender is good for my soul.

I am still screwed up with my sleep, but I am determined that this will not spiral my mental stability out of control.  I just want to be normal.

Don't get me wrong,  I love my ducklings.  I would give my life for them, but the time is coming when their waddling off is out of my control. OK. You do see the irony in that last sentence.  Having my kids is the best and hardest thing I've ever done, and no matter how much I bitch and complain,  I would do it over again.  Probably.  Most likely.

So, do you think you're normal?  I'd like to know what makes you think that.

Does anybody really care what time it is?

Be advised: the content expressed here may unsuitable for children under 17 due to language and explicit content. Reader discretion advised.

I said I would write.  I write, therefore I am.  It is late, and I do really care what time it is.  As a person diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder, it is important to keep a regular sleep schedule.

I've started having good days, but I found myself starting the self sabotaging behavior.  Stop it,  Stop it I say. Today instead of bashing myself with the proverbial bat of self criticism, I will say, "Oops.  You will do better next time."

Time is of the essence.  No time like the present.  Time is not on your side.  Time keeps slipping into the future.  Live everyday to the fullest, because you never know when your time is up.  That last one pisses me off.  Not until recently did I tell myself that this doesn't mean do everything in one day.  It means enjoy every day.  Be present in the present.  Do not let your regrets of your past or the fear of the future rob you of your present.  Every day is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

Is your brain started to spin?  Yeah, well, welcome to my life.  My mind is a neighborhood that you don't want to get lost in.

I love to love people.  It makes me happy.  I'm not always happy, but a bad day does not mean a bad life.  So, does anybody care what time it is? Does anybody real care...about time?  I only have the next minute and I will do my damnedest to be in the now.

What are you doing with your time?