Just keep swimming

I have used these instructions of how to escape a rip current, as an analogy, many times, to describe how to get out of an emotional storm (current):

Keep calm. …

To get out of the (emotional storm) rip current, (go about your day alongside your emotions-not in) swim sideways (not into), parallel to (what you know to be true) the beach.

When out of the (emotional storm) rip current, swim at an angle (angle suggests a gradual return) away from the (storm) current and toward (your solid footing) shore.

If you can't escape this way, try to float or calmly tread water (and call for help).

If you fight a rip current, you will most likely drown. Not too many are strong enough to thwart that force.

Emotional storms can be pretty damn strong. It is not always easy to navigate this type of current either. 

I can spend so much energy judging every thought, feeling and emotion that I feel like I am going to drown.

I can remind myself that this too shall pass. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions change all the time. The more I fight with myself and analyze why I’m thinking, or feeling A,B, or C, the more exhausted my thought process becomes.

When the waves of overwhelming emotions start to drag me out to sea…

Keep calm…

walk alongside my emotions until there is a break, then

head back to my steady shore of truth.

But, if for some reason that does not work,

live life as best you can, and call for help. 

Never, never, never stop treading water.

I have missed writing. I hate (ok, well, not hate, exactly) that I seem to need to feel kinda shitty to do this. Things are not too shitty, so I'm glad I haven't waited until I'm knee deep to share!!

Slow and steady wins the race

Stop focusing on your pain, you're just making it worse. Most of it's mental.

These words are not helpful. But, I'm working on looking at these as statements of ignorance. At least as they apply to me. I do enough self criticizing. No one knows me, but me. 

I will admit to obsessive thinking, and heading, first thing, to the worst possible scenario.

The fact is, though, I am experiencing a lot of pain. It is very overwhelming and tiring. 

I am still persevering. It's one of the things I do best.  Thank goodness!

I'm having much more "freak out" episodes lately (read: anxiety attacks.) Thankfully, they subside. Last week I was cleared to take xanax during the day if I need it. So far, I haven't needed it...

I am having progressive strides in exercising. I'm walking about 3x a week. I had to stop rehabbing my left shoulder, because it was making it worse, but I am working on my left one, because I know there is instability in that one. Thankfully, no dislocations on that side, but now, of course, I'm fearful that this shoulder will dislocate mysteriously too! A follow up appointment is scheduled later this month.

I have a lot of weight to lose that has crept up on me pretty quickly. Getting blood work done to check out any possible medical reasons. The good news is I'm drinking one to two smoothies a day with all kinds of healthy ingredients and the sweet cravings are almost non existent.

My daughter turned 18 this week...such a milestone!

My youngest son, a sophomore, seems to be settling into high school life. So far, so good!

I got to paint a fun window mural, and sold another painting! I've painted and framed new artwork, and they are hanging for sale at a local store.

I am looking for things to be grateful for to help push away the "stinkin' thinkin'."

I am in a cycle of unstable mood issues right now..."this too shall pass." Unfortunately, I seem to be stuck in the slow lane. I am reminded of this helpful quote by Confucius; 

"It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop."

Here's to waking up to another day, which is a gift! Enjoy yours:)

This post is a downer, so read if you dare

Long time no blog.

I feel bad about this, but honestly, I don't want to feel bad anymore. About anything.

Unfortunately, I'm finding this very difficult.

Lately, most days my thoughts and emotions reach such a boiling point, all I can tell myself is "I cant do this anymore." I just can't. Can not.

But, I do. And it sucks balls. Sweaty balls. I'm so tired. I feel sick part of everyday. Thank goodness there seems to be an ebb and flow to this shit storm.

But, believe you me, when it is flowing...I just can't.

I am having so much pain right now. I've been rehabbing my shoulder for the last 3 weeks, and there has been no improvement. It actually feels worse. My neck, arm, hand and back are reeking havoc, too.

I actually thought about wrecking my car today. Just thought about it. No, I'm not suicidal. Just so full of yukkyness.

All I keep saying to myself is "It's not like you have cancer and are dying." Oh, the guilt I feel for feeling so shitty, How dare I?

I feel near hopeless and useless. If you could hear the battle in my head, you would have a migraine. Every day is such a battle.

"Keep moving forward." "This too shall pass." "Breathe." "Your feelings are not the truth." "Be quiet, mean voice. You are not the boss of me." "Push." "Persevere." "Pray." "Trust God." "Get up even though you don't want to." Etc, etc, etc....

I have to be the one to battle the bad voices. "Why can't you just get well, and stay well." "If only you would stay on a schedule." "You are lazy." "You selfish girl." "You must want people to feel sorry for you." "I have no friends." "No one understands me." "You are ungrateful." "You are always having a pity party." "You are not worth it." "I hate everyone." "I just need to move away." "Leave me alone." "Why aren't you paying attention to me."

Okay, you can see how the negative paragraph is easier to write. That seems to be human nature to be quick to remember the negatives.

I don't even know what I am saying right now. I didn't even want to write this. But somewhere, down deep, I figured I owed it to myself to write this down...this...whatever "this" is.

I'm sorry I am such a downer right now. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome, and I just need to go somewhere and keep my mouth shut. No one likes a whiner. Wine, yes. Whiner, no.

Blah, blah, blah...I'm sick of thinking about this anymore. I'm going to bed and, yet again, hope tomorrow shines brighter in the dark recesses of my mind.

Okay, bye. For now.

Don't cry, baby. Don't cry.

I have had hours, or so, of almost having a breakdown. Not every day. But, a lot of days.

Such despair.
Such sadness.
Overwhelming overwhelm-ness.
Anger. A lot of anger.

Just when I think these feelings won't ever go away...they at least lesssen. Talking sense into myself is exhausting. I get so mentally fatigued. I am so pissed. This is not helpful, because it makes me judge myself, and not like myself. Which keeps the shitty cycle going. Have I mentioned this is not helpful?

I think, how can keep digging my nails into the cliff to keep from falling into the abyss? Honestly, I don't know. I just do. I must. I could choose not to...but that is scary as hell.

We (my husband and I) are in a precarious financial situation. We are trusting God for His provision, and He never let's us down. I am human (the fact that I just wrote that makes me chuckle.) This means I still default to worry. Before I quit my job in April, I had been agonizing over what other type of job I could do to replace that income. I came up with nada. My health was suffering over the stress though, and I had to quit without a plan.

I have been freed up to follow my art dreams. Yay!!

This sounds easy, but it's not. Well, not exactly. I was letting myself get depressed, which lead to no painting. Counter productive to say the least. I talk too much to myself in my head, and it turns into a very bad neighborhood pretty quickly. I should never venture there alone too long.

Do I get a part time job so there is money coming in that we can count on? But, that question puts me right back to where I started. What would I do??????

I worked at a job that didn't love for 16 and a half years. I quit when my second child was born. Then, 2 years later,  my third was born. About a year later, I started to battle against mental health issues. I was unable to work even if I wanted to. I had three children by this time, and I was...well, not in a very good place for a long time.

I started my holiday window painting in 1997, and that was my source of income. It was manageable, because it was flexible. I have had four part time jobs in the last four years which has been quite an accomplishment, because I never thought I could work a "real" job again.

Going back to my stresses of late...where will the money come from? I am never guaranteed of income. Get a "real" job? ...ugh!

I had a dream last night. I thought about going back to the company I worked for 18 years ago. I cried and cried and cried. I thought about going back to another job I had, but there was so too much "stuff" there that was not healthy to go back to. I cried and cried and cried. Then a voice spoke very loud to me..."just fucking paint!! Just do it. This is what you want. This is what makes you happy. This, despite any stress, is worth it! It's right in front of you. Just fucking paint!!"

I woke convicted.
I woke up revived.
I woke up to my purpose.

I worked on sketches for commissioned work. Duh. I had been dragging feet.

I worked on some new paintings that I had been asked to do. A client wants to hang them in her shop to sell. Duh.

I tend to create such a war in my head, and I get so exhausted.

I'd like to say that I will quit doing this, but it is always lurking. This is why I'm grateful that I will always keep my nails dug in.

I didn't cry today. I did some things that kept me living my dream. I moved forward. Slowly, but I still moved forward.

Yay, me!!

I need a band-aid (PG-13)

Damn Damn Damn
Fuck Fuck Fuck

That always relieves some stress. I tried to write this post yesterday, but I was in such a bad place I just couldn't muster the energy.

Today has been slightly better, because I ended the day with a paint party with 11 and 12 year old girls. As much stress I had getting ready for it, it was more than worth it. This is a job that is worth the stress. I was told every job would have stress, and I've always said I want the job to be worth it. Painting and painting with other people is my gift and passion.

All of that said, I must admit I walk around my house and ask myself "what am I doing?" I need to make money (most people do.) It is hard work being all the employees in my business, and gets quite exhausting at times.

My moods are not reliable. Oh, I am more aware of triggers, but sometimes too many come at once. Or my chemicals are not functioning properly, and just one trigger can knock me down.

Having bipolar is awful. Well, the depressive swings suck big balls, but the hypomanic episodes help me forget those times (or least give me hope.) Being on the other side of the bridge is a great feeling, and to look back on the depressive times look foggy from across the river. I have done a lot of work. I've worked on past issues. I have been counseled in cognitive behavioral. I take my medicine faithfully.

Despite all of this, the disorder is the disorder. I am functioning better than if I was not doing all of the afore mention things.

I'm tired of being disappointed in myself. I have accepted that I have to talk medication for the rest of my life, but I still keep hoping the next time I am doing so well that it will stay. That maybe I've finally reached the point of control. I've done the work, and now I will be better. I realize the best I can really hope for is remissions.

I will acknowledge that my depressive episodes are way less than they used to be. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to live. So, the only choice I have is to keep on keeping on.

I wish I could wrap this up in a nice little bow, but I can not. I do chose to continue to share, because the struggle is real and I may help someone with my honesty, even if that person is myself.

If you've made it to the end of this post, thanks for hanging in with me(:

Circle of life

There is birth, life, celebrations, and there is sickness, tragedies and death. Death and sickness has been prominent this month. I am sad. I am scared.

Scared of what? I am scared I will not get to do/accomplish what I want. I'm afraid to leave behind the people I love. I some bizarre way, I am experiences feelings of abandonment from myself. The early lost of my mother is blatant right now. I don't want to hurt my kids that way.

I know how irrational this thought pattern is. Regardless...I still think this way. I am angry, and I know this is robbing me of my present. I am letting the shitty thinking get a hold of my thoughts. Hopefully writing this down, I will start the process of release. 

This weekend I celebrated a life that ended way to soon. Her story told of a surrender of her circumstances to God. It was a comfort to know she was scared and angry, too. What courage it must take to face an incurable cancer, and still live a life of hope.

I was encouraged and reminded that living each day as it were your last means finding joy each day, being present in the present, and be grateful. Gratitude without fail regardless of circumstances. This is what it means to be brave. 

I will feel afraid, sad, mad, and angry during my lifetime, but I will choose joy (maybe better some days that others.) Regretting the past, and fear of the future will definitely rob me of the present. Each day is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

There will be birth and death. Happiness and sorrow. This is the circle of life.

I am loved

This photo makes me happy!

I saved this photo from my Facebook newsfeed. I'm sorry I don't remember who took it.

I have been in a slump lately. I do not wish to dwell on why I went there, but rather what I have done to keep myself from staying in a crumbled heap.

I have continued to look forward. Recognizing the triggers. No self blame (well, maybe a little.) Letting the past be the past. Focusing on the good, and making a plan to move myself to a solution, instead of staying a part of the problem. Sounds good, right? Easy, no. I wish there was a magic wand to get myself past these hurdles, but alas, so far no go.

My long ago sponsor would be so proud of me. I don't know if she will read this, but even though I would get aggravated, you have been a true blessing in my life, and I still listen to the words you said to me.

I am seeing positive results from the steps I've taken to move past the stalemate I've felt. I am truly thankful.

My hubs and I received a great gift of a week away...with NO KIDS!! I love you. flesh of my flesh, but this has been just what the doctor ordered.

God loves me, and wants good for me. I must remember in the hard times He still does. He never leaves me, and is with me in the hard times. God is not the magic wand. He is the promise that I will never walk alone.

I am not alone, and neither are you!

Fake it 'til you make it

I told myself that I would make art for me. But my insecurities keep getting in the way. Elizabeth Gilbert had another quote:

Shit, shit, shit...

I am choosing to use these quotes as positives. I am refusing to turn them into a emotional bat in which to club my psyche with. 

The dilemma here is I do need to make money. And I feel called (strongly, I might add) to use the gift and talents God gave me. Doing so is where I breathe best. Except, this money (or lack of) is killing my mojo (okay, I'm giving it the power to do so.) 

Ok, girl. What can you do differently? Well...I actually contacted people that have shown interest in having art parties and other art services. Yay me! In the past I would of just sat in the shit hole of self pity. I am feeling scared, but I moved forward anyway. 

I'm struggling. When I say this, most people say "what's the matter?" I am grateful for the concern. The problem is it's never just one thing. I am working on feeling the feelings, and not letting them become me, or dictate my actions. I want to face this mood eruption without fear. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad, mad, disappointed, scared. It's not okay to allow feelings of doom and gloom, self pity, defeat and hopelessness to take up residence. I have these feelings, but I get to decide "who" stays and "who" goes. 

I am really working the principles of my recovery and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am doing a good job. My anxiety is rearing it's ugly head, and I want to break things and cry. In spite of this, I will find positive ways to relieve this negative energy. I will not blame myself. Shit happens.

As for my art, I will paint, create and keep putting myself out there. God is for me, who can be against me?

'Til we meet again...just keep swimming (thanks, Dory!)

Stop this merry-go-round, I want to get off

Yes, this is me right now. 

This is a simpler visual of this cycle...

How did I get this way? Today I am using my recovery tools to investigate. Let's look at the acronym for HALT.

H=hungry

A=angry

L=lonely

T=tired 

Usually, when I am experiencing more than one of this things at a time, or one for an extended time, then  the cycle commences.

Hungry...not so much. I am upset with myself about my weight, and the fact I am not doing anything about it. (Sidebar...I have done well so far today though!)

Angry...my anger reached a boiling point on Saturday.  I did remember to tell my husband to watch out, but know it was not about him.

Lonely...it is has been an adjustment with my schedule. I was working most days with others, and now I am home most hours by myself. 

Tired...well, that's the biggie. The one that is usually the biggest trigger. My sleep has been so screwy. Add the fact that I am not wearing my CPAP (for sleep apnea), well you probably get the idea.

Now that I have identified my triggers and confessed them to you, let me tell you, and remind myself, I am doing better than I think I am. How you ask? Ok, maybe you didn't ask, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. If I want to change my behavior, I have to make different decisions. I decided to eat better today! I can make that choice at every meal (and snack.) The more I am on my own with my schedule, I am learning that I still need to take time for "me time." Also, blogging today lets me visit with you. Tired, well, I will get myself to bed earlier. As for wearing the mask, honestly I don't notice a difference in how I feel if I wear it or not. Sometimes I actually sleep worse because the mask wakes me up when it slips out of place. When you place all those things in the washing machine the cycle stays on agitated. And boy, do I get angry.

I'm feeling off today, and that's ok. There, I said it. It's ok not to be ok. A bad day does not make a bad life. Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

Take care cause I care!

Potty mouth

It really is, you know...alright. To tell me to stop thinking too much, is like telling me not to breathe. Breathing is good for me. Obsessive thoughts? Not so much.

I am in such a good place right now. It's kinda scary, but I'm not overthinking it (see what I did there.) Oh, don't get me wrong, things have gone shitty now and then. The difference is I'm learning to not stand in the pile of shit and contemplate why it stinks so bad. I am finding myself reaching for the hose faster to clean that shit off.

Trusting the whispers of God, which comes to me in my gut, is helping me to step over the shit more often instead of landing smack dead in the middle of proverbial pile.

All I mean by this poop talk is, there will always be shit storms. That is life. Loving myself no matter how smelly I get is really the point.

Go forth and love the shit out of yourself!

Pat on the back

"This is the most annoying song in the world, song in the world, song in the world. This is the most annoying song in the world, and this is how it goes. This is the most annoying song in the world, song in the world, song in the world. This is the most annoying song in the world, and this is how it goes. This is the most annoying song in the world...."

The more rampant the out of control thoughts I have, the more they start to sound like that annoying song. They play over and over and over and over...(are you annoyed yet?)

I had myself so worked up today (well, by the time this is posted it will be tomorrow.) I let someone's talk interrupt my peace. I let those words doubt my abilities and thought process. What the fuck?!? You'd think I'd be over that shit already. I may not ever get over it per se, but I can recognize the uneasy feelings in my gut quicker. I sought consul from two women who would understand the plight I was in, and even though their thoughts differed, I was able to glean some sanity that set well with my soul. Yay, me!!

Life is a journey, not a destination. My journey is on a smoother path than it has been in a long time. I was reminded today (now yesterday) that life's paths will always have rocks, potholes, and fallen branches, but that does not mean it is the end of the road.

Here's to bulldozing the debris!

I take a licking, and keep on ticking

I wish I had something brilliant to say. Alas, brilliance escapes me (right now). 

I am continuing to be amazed at the positive response to my artwork. Well, not my artwork per se, but the fact that people are buying it! I took a painting to a shop yesterday to hang, and before I was there 15 minutes, a man walked in and bought it!!!! I KNOW RIGHT! Happy dance!!

My thinking continues to want to follow old patterns.  Normal, I know. We do what feels comfortable. Until it feels uncomfortable and we remember this doesn't work for us anymore. My old thinking wants to tell me that when I start doing the right things I won't feel bad anymore. OK, I might of lost you there. Last post I told you that I had been struggling with headaches. It has always been a struggle to know if the headaches come from mental health issues, or my mental health issues come after the headaches. Oh...my aching head.

Suffice it to say, I am doing mentally well, but the headaches are still coming. I'm practicing keeping on keeping on. I'm reminding myself that a bad day doesn't not mean a bad life. I am learning to listen to my body and be nice to it. Different from yelling at myself "what's the matter with you!" I have the ability to knock myself down and out very quickly. I am managing to stand up to that bully and tell her to leave me the fuck alone. Ahhhh...the use of 4 letter words to release stress never lets me down.

I'm going to painting up a storm this week to have pictures to hang during an event in Wilton Manors next weekend. Comment if you are in the Fort Lauderdale area and would like any info!

Last, but not least, I do have a doctor's appointment this week to get to the bottom of these headaches. Wish me well!

Walk away from the gavel

Every day I wonder what kind of day it's going to be. Now that I have been having so many good days in a row, I feel like I'm starting to look over my "proverbial shoulder" for the bad day. I know how that sounds. Bad. But here I go judging every thought I have. Again. Am I thinking the right thought...the wrong thing. Geez, Louise.

Here comes the judge. Judge not lest ye be judged. Woman! Will you put the damn gavel down????

I have wanted to blog days earlier, but I have not felt well since Saturday. Headaches. Lots of 'em. Five days later, and I'm still having them. Real tired, too. It's been hard to do anything. This is usually when things start to go south for me mentally. Which comes first? Physical health or mental health. Who knows. Ask the chicken and the egg.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. 

What will I do different? I will rest. I will tell myself it's OK to take a break. Lots of them. I will feel grateful that I can take time to take time instead of guilty. Are you thinking "why does she feel guilty?" Or are you thinking "oh, I know what she means!" When I am not thinking I am worth it (in any way), I feel guilty over just about anything. For those of you identifying with the guilt, let me be an encouragement. I am worth it. You are worth it. We are worth it. 

Care for yourself as you would care for another. Would you give your best friend messages of guilt and shame? I know I wouldn't. Life is not a straight easy line. No, duh, you say?! I don't always remember this on consistent basis, but I'm not judging.

I will continue to stay vigilant over my obsessive thinking. That's a nice way say I will be obsessive over my obsessive thinking. Two negatives make a positive, right?

Queen for a day

Woohoo!! I celebrated my 50th birthday this week! I was a queen for the day! Some women say they are 29 again. Not me. I have celebrated every year I've lived past 37. I wrote the reason for this in a previous post. You can read it here. I haven't always felt so "queen-like" though.

The battle I fight everyday is real. Twenty years ago I had reached a point where the suffering was so great that I felt it would be a relief to die. Anxiety, depression, and bipolar 2. Skip to the last few years and add meniere's, bruxism, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, dry eyes, arthritis...you get the idea. Geez! Let's not dwell on such things. I tell you these things, not because I want pity (absolutely not!), but because you never know what someone is struggling with. There are many people out there facing much worse and it helps me to put things into perspective. To see and hear of people overcoming adversities gives me hope. They encourage me.

I had a choice to make. I chose life. To have courage. To fight. To be fucking brave.

There is something wonderful happening this year. It hasn't been instantaneous, but a continuous forward moving work in progress. I have persevered through many trials, and asked God to give me the same faith during the bad times that I have in the good times.

I have always felt called to be a full-time artist, but fear(s) left me unable to live into that dream the way I felt I could. The stress of living outside of how I am wired was giving me such anxiety that I thought I was having a heart attack a couple of times. I quit my job that I was afraid to leave because of missing certain aspects and financial concerns. It was a good job, mind you. Just not one God had
in mind for me anymore. For the first time ever, I feel like I can actually do this artist thing. I am not afraid (too much). My mood is (relatively) stable. I have energy and focus (my kids are older). I am motivated and the most important, I believe in myself. I am having more and more victories!

I know God has good plans for me, and I am ready to walk in those steps. God saved this queen!

Using four letter words as a stress reliever (Rated R for language)

Kids. A blessing. The hardest job you'll ever love. Remember my post about surrender? If not, you can read it here. If you are going to survive their growing up, and keep your sanity, this surrendering is not optional .I'm really having to practice this on a daily basis. 

My husband and I are doing the best we can. Kids do not come with a how-to-manual. Even if they did, it would not be a one size fits all. There is a lot of debate about nurture vs. nature. You can provide a safe, nurturing environment. You can be a nuclear family, but the way they are wired is the way they are wired. I believe if someone wants to change their behavior, using cognitive behavioral therapy, you can. It's not a magic wand and will take alifetime commitment. I do know what I'm talking about.

What do you do if someone does not want to acknowledge unhealthy thinking and/or actions. This is where the surrendering comes in handy. Also, a good support system. Parents should not feel isolated when things are tough. I'm thankful for my husband, circle of friends, and my therapist. 

Don't leave your children alone, even if they slam doors in your face and yell "leave me alone!" They don't really mean it, no matter what they say. It's really easy for me to become overwhelmed with how to best love my kids. Being consistent and providing a safe haven from their storms is probably the best you can do. 

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, because there is no such thing as a perfect child.

Pray for me. I'm praying for you.

Happy Mother's Day

Thirty-seven Mother's Days have passed since you've been gone. It's been a challenge growing up and having my children without you. And sad. You would of been 75 on March 14, 2015.

I tried to raise my kids and give them traditions based on what I could remember from growing up in the short 12 years we had before you were gone. I tried so hard, that it became an obsession. I didn't know any better. I didn't know how to be myself as a mom. This eventually made me very resentful, then guilty because I just couldn't keep up. I thought I was a bad mom if I didn't throw the best themed birthday parties and make the cake to match. And Christmas? That was exhausting, but that's all I knew.

After many years of therapy, I've realized that my image of you did not need to define who I was. Without a frame of reference or anyone to affirm me in my decisions, it was a hard lesson to learn. Who would you be to me, or I to your memory if I didn't do things like you did?

Today I can know how much of you is in me that I can attribute to how I'm wired. Some not so good. It's most likely we shared the same mental illness. Not your fault, it's just how we were made. Some very, very good. I received the gift of being creative. You gave me almost every art tool available. An easel, drawing paper, pencils, pastels, paints to name a few. You taught me how to sew on your machine.You made my clothes, painted, and played the piano. The piano is one of my favorite instruments, and although I never followed through with my lessons, my appreciation of the sounds soothes my soul. You encouraged my imagination. One of my favorite memories is a bag of old curtains that became capes, dresses, veils, even imaginary walls. And the plays we put on! I always had barbies and baby dolls and every accessory that came with them; clothes, strollers, houses, cars, you name it. We drew on the sidewalk with chalk. You always made fresh brewed iced tea, and we loved us some cold corn on the cob! Even though I hated it, you taught me how to wash dishes, clean and vacuum. You bought me endless books to read, which I did with fervor. You bought me a tape recorder so I could record myself singing. You gave me a hamster, a cat, and a dog. You kept a baby book that is so full of recorded milestones. You gave me a nurses carevgiving heart. I have an intuitive sense when it comes to caring for others.

I am who I am in part because of who you where. I wish I had more memories. I wish I could remember how it felt when you hugged me. There was a time when this caused me great pain and I felt so alone. God provided me with great in-laws that have filled the gap and it has been such a blessing.

I'm not so sad and lonely anymore, because the little girl inside of me has grown up, I am a confident woman and mother. I know that is what you would of wanted for me.

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy

Persisting

I have continued to be able to persist. This is really, really great! It really is, because I don't have a very good track record. Since I resigned from my job I have had a tremendous relief from stress. It was a good job, don't get me wrong. It was just one that had me operating out of the way I am wired. I had this job for 3 years. The longest time of employment since I left my first job of almost 17 years.

It might not seem like a big deal, and actually you might be calling me an under achiever (or lazy, or lucky...but it doesn't really matter,  'cause what you think of me is none of my business.) The fact is my mental health hell began during my last pregnancy in 1999. What started out as a decision to be a stay at home mom, became a struggle to be well. It has been a greater struggle at times than others, and the past 12 months have been the longest time of struggling in quite awhile.

I have the opportunity to concentrate on my art full time (again), but this time without small children. I am a professional persevere-er (look out Dr. Suess.) My power has increased and I am actually living the dream. I am selling more of my art now than I have ever. It helps that I am creating my own art consistently for the first time! I am so full of stored up ideas, and I don't think I'll ever run out. I have received confirmation over and over that I am doing the right thing. I am trusting God will continue to provide for our needs. I am actually OK setting aside my wants.

I am persisting every day. One step at a time.

Let go, let God

I heard from a friend this past week. Her daughter is being held by the Navy until she is well enough to be discharged (there is more to this story, but it's necessary to share). She is sick and scared. She has had everything stolen from her. She can not call home. She still has to stand guard during her shifts even though she has a fever, nosebleeds, hair falling out, dehydrated....This is an outrage beyond outrage. My friend is so beside herself that she is standing on the other side. The feelings of being so hopeless, so powerless. Please pray, she said. So that is what I've been doing.

Let go, let God.

Surrender-verb:

: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed

: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else

I know of this surrender of which I speak. Getting to that place is not easy and is scary. I think if I just try harder (what ever that looks like), I can control what is happening. Society tells us we that if we work hard, we get what we want. We can make good things happen.  Don't get me wrong, we do have to participate in life to move forward. But. there is a relationship that we need to surrender to. Our relationship with God. Surrender takes faith in a power greater that ourselves; our creator. I think most would agree that faith is easy in the good times. My prayer has always been, God may I have the same faith in the storms as in the sunshine. It's easy to blame God when the shit goes down. The truth I understand is God wants good for me. We live in a fallen, cruel world. God is with me in the crap. In order for me to surrender, I must trust God will use any thing for good. In a lot of ways, this is a VERY HARD concept to wrap my head around. We could discuss til it the cows come home. I will just share the biggest storm of my life and how I surrendered and how God is using it.

On September 11, 2008, after being sick for 4 days, my oldest son told me had swallowed a handful of 650 mg of Tylenol. He had OD. By the time we rushed him to the emergency room he was throwing up blood. Acetaminophen poisoning is best treated within 8-12 hours. We were at 96. The doctors treated him with the available medicine. They told me all we could do is wait. As we waited, his liver enzymes continued to drop. The doctor said it would probably go one of two ways. Liver transplant or death. I stayed with him in ICU non-stop. The doctors where doing everything they could. There was nothing to do but wait. I gave my son to God. I prayed white light around his liver. I pictured him on an alter surrounded by white light. I told God I trusted him with my son. I told Him whatever happened, whether he needed a liver transplant, he died, or he fully recovered, I trusted that God would use this storm to glorify His love for us. That...that was true surrender, and I felt complete peace. On day 3 1/2 his enzymes stopped dropping. Day 4 1/2 they started the slow climb back up. My son had a full recovery with no damage to his liver. God has used this storm to strengthen my son and his faith. He is a godly man, that continues to trust God's leading in his life. God taught me that, no matter what, He will never leave me. Yes, this story ends with life, but I trust my stories to end with life. Maybe, not the way I would want it, but the way God will best use it to glorify His love.

I'd like to say it is easier for me to surrender now, but the truth is as soon as my son came home from the hospital, I was a wreck. To me he was safe in the hospital, but now he was back in the cruel world. I had to keep practicing surrender...over and over and over. It is a daily practice. One I don't always get right, but I know is not impossible. With God, all things are possible.

I have been through the 12 Steps three times. Most people think these are just for alcoholics and addicts. We all need to admit we are powerless in order to truly surrender. I've listed the first 3 steps from Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centered recovery program. These take work, but it is worth it.

I am always willing to share my recovery story. Peace be with you.

Celebrate Recovery 12 Steps and Biblical Comparisons 

 

1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.Romans 7:18 

 

2 We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.Philippians 2:13 

 

3 We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.Romans 12:1 

Who's driving your bus?

Well, hell. I am moving forward in a positive direction. The old stinkin' thinkin' just keeps trying to creep in and give me doubts, tell me I'm not good enough. Well, critical self, get the heck out of the driver's seat. Your license has been revoked.

I painted a picture and before it was exhibited, it sold. I made some cute birds out of broken jewelry and mounted them on canvas. I posted them for sale tonight and already sold two. The confirmation of my decision is evident.

My mood has shifted for the good since mid March. I am so so happy that I finally have energy and the drive to create and I'm not letting anything stop me. It has been a long year of struggling with depression and anxiety...the longest in a long time. What I'm getting at is the down has always come back. I'm already dreading it. Now tell me that isn't a joy killer. Regret over the past and fear of the future, leaves no room for the now. I choose to be in the now. To enjoy and be grateful for the tremendous lift in my mood. You will help keep me accountable since I've chosen to journal into cyberspace.

So, hey, hey, you, you, get outta my bus! There's a new attitude in town.  Hell, yeah!

Keep calm

I spent last weekend in Orlando for my daughter's last club volleyball tournament.  We left Thursday afternoon and got home Sunday early evening.  I love watching her play volleyball, but I have to say this activity is one I'm glad to take off my plate.  *sighing with relief*  Cutting down my schedule is getting better and better.

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."  -Maya Angelou

Yay, me!  I listened to myself and rested today.  Good job, Heather.  Taking care of myself is a moment by moment practice.  Mark 12:31  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  "AS" definition; to the same degree, amount, or extent; similarly; equally.  Not more than.  Not less than.  Love yourself so you can fully love others.

What will you do differently to be able love yourself?

I'm worth it

I was told today that it is OK if I don't blog everyday.  Actually, two times a week is good.  Thank you, friend.  See I'm doing it again.  Taking things to the n'th degree.  With this advise, I remembered what I told myself just a few days ago. Take what I think I can do and cut it in half.  Schedule times of rejuvenation, so I can be the best me I can.

Remember to take of yourself.  We'll remind each other.  We're worth it!

End on a good note

Having relieved myself of a major stressor, you can imaging the disappointment I felt when I realized I was having anxiety today. Just when I get my shit together, I forget where I put it.

 

Did you know there is such a thing as Monday blues? Yeah, imaging that! Most times it starts Sunday afternoon when you realize your weekend is over and it's back to the weekly grind.  I have always had a bad relationship with Mondays. Today I think it was the realization of the life decision I made last week. Oh, don't worry! It was the right decision for me.  I think today was just sticker shock.

I am in a stable mental state right now (which we know is relative to-well, everything) and very motivated to create art. This is what I've always wanted and I want the scary feelings of inadequacy to stay the heck away! Shoo fly, don't bother me.

To end this on a good note, I sold a painting!  One I created, not commissioned. This is HUGE for me! A dream come true. By taking care of myself, I am opening myself to receive the blessings God has for me. Here's a cropped image of "Peacock".

I am so excited!  Get ready for more...art not anxiety(:

No time like the present

Stress is a bitch. Just ask my blood pressure. I even had to drag my ass to the doctor not once, but twice because I thought I was having a heart attack.

Don't wait until later. If you want to go on a kayak, do it. I have been told that I need to slow down. Take care of yourself. Care for yourself. Sounds good, I know, but not something I do very well. Until that picture.  I followed Nike's advice and just did it. How freeing! What a gift I gave myself. Give it to yourself.

This is not a suggestion. This is an order!

I'm bloomin' happy

Photo creds to Tracy Verdugo

Do I have any petals showing?  I've faced a lot of adversity in my time, and some of that turmoil has existed only in my thoughts.  I'm sure you've heard "the mind is a terrible thing to waste."  I must admit I've been wasted...a lot.  Well, no, not like that jeez!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I am so damn strong I can lift a Buick. (Confession.  I was not the clever one to come up with that.)  I grew some more presevere-ing muscles this weekend.  That means I didn't die when I made a decision that changed the course of my life!  Can I get a "whoop whoop"?!?!

The lesson I share is to listen to the God whispers in your life.  He is NOT the author of confusion God wants you to have an abundant life and to grant you peace.   Sooner or later (sooner, please) I will not grovel in the dirt so long.  I will spread my petals and bloom.   

 I'd like to know your experience of kicking ass.  I mean overcoming adversity(:

"Weeds are friends, once you get to know them." -Winnie-the-Pooh

Slow it down, you move too fast

1. Simon & Garfunkel, Feeling groovy, stereo - YouTube

   www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBQxG0Z72qM
   

   
   
2. Artist: Simon and Garfunkel
3. Album: Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme
4. Released: 1966

I love me some Simon & Garfunkel.  Slow it down, you move too fast.  This was my subconscious message today.  Mind you, it came after I read an article about how to get more traffic to your blog.  Being of the bipolar persuasion, it is my MO to think things are either black or white.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.  You get the idea.  

I started to foster a brilliant plan to get my blog out to more people.  I could do this  I could do that.  I was exhausted by 9 AM.  See what I'm doing here?  The minute this stops being about me, it fails. 

This happens to be a big character defect in me.  Somehow I turn who I am into someone I think someone wants me to be.  All this does is give me a big fat headache.  

Get over yourself, woman!  I know a little about a lot.  As a friend told me today, "you don't corner the market on the crazies."  Well played, sir.  I'm just humble enough (and maybe just a little brave enough) to write down the swirling thoughts in my head.   What I'm doing right now is enough.  It is good enough.  I'm good enough.  So like me, or don't.  It's OK, because I like me(:

What the duck?

Have you seen this before?  This was my day.  Damn it!  Try as I might the effers just did their own thing.  My ducks happen to come in the form of teenagers.  One is off in college almost 500 miles away, and got a concussionn. In the midst of life happening all around me, I was consumed (like all moms) by trying to care for him.  It all worked out and he is fine.  The other two also have my heart and devotion.  I bleed for them when shit happens.  

My life did get somewhat better when I gave my kids to God to care for.  He is way better at it than me, and that kind of surrender is good for my soul.

I am still screwed up with my sleep, but I am determined that this will not spiral my mental stability out of control.  I just want to be normal.

Don't get me wrong,  I love my ducklings.  I would give my life for them, but the time is coming when their waddling off is out of my control. OK. You do see the irony in that last sentence.  Having my kids is the best and hardest thing I've ever done, and no matter how much I bitch and complain,  I would do it over again.  Probably.  Most likely.

So, do you think you're normal?  I'd like to know what makes you think that.