Fake it 'til you make it

I told myself that I would make art for me. But my insecurities keep getting in the way. Elizabeth Gilbert had another quote:

Shit, shit, shit...

I am choosing to use these quotes as positives. I am refusing to turn them into a emotional bat in which to club my psyche with. 

The dilemma here is I do need to make money. And I feel called (strongly, I might add) to use the gift and talents God gave me. Doing so is where I breathe best. Except, this money (or lack of) is killing my mojo (okay, I'm giving it the power to do so.) 

Ok, girl. What can you do differently? Well...I actually contacted people that have shown interest in having art parties and other art services. Yay me! In the past I would of just sat in the shit hole of self pity. I am feeling scared, but I moved forward anyway. 

I'm struggling. When I say this, most people say "what's the matter?" I am grateful for the concern. The problem is it's never just one thing. I am working on feeling the feelings, and not letting them become me, or dictate my actions. I want to face this mood eruption without fear. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad, mad, disappointed, scared. It's not okay to allow feelings of doom and gloom, self pity, defeat and hopelessness to take up residence. I have these feelings, but I get to decide "who" stays and "who" goes. 

I am really working the principles of my recovery and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am doing a good job. My anxiety is rearing it's ugly head, and I want to break things and cry. In spite of this, I will find positive ways to relieve this negative energy. I will not blame myself. Shit happens.

As for my art, I will paint, create and keep putting myself out there. God is for me, who can be against me?

'Til we meet again...just keep swimming (thanks, Dory!)

Stop this merry-go-round, I want to get off

Yes, this is me right now. 

This is a simpler visual of this cycle...

How did I get this way? Today I am using my recovery tools to investigate. Let's look at the acronym for HALT.

H=hungry

A=angry

L=lonely

T=tired 

Usually, when I am experiencing more than one of this things at a time, or one for an extended time, then  the cycle commences.

Hungry...not so much. I am upset with myself about my weight, and the fact I am not doing anything about it. (Sidebar...I have done well so far today though!)

Angry...my anger reached a boiling point on Saturday.  I did remember to tell my husband to watch out, but know it was not about him.

Lonely...it is has been an adjustment with my schedule. I was working most days with others, and now I am home most hours by myself. 

Tired...well, that's the biggie. The one that is usually the biggest trigger. My sleep has been so screwy. Add the fact that I am not wearing my CPAP (for sleep apnea), well you probably get the idea.

Now that I have identified my triggers and confessed them to you, let me tell you, and remind myself, I am doing better than I think I am. How you ask? Ok, maybe you didn't ask, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. If I want to change my behavior, I have to make different decisions. I decided to eat better today! I can make that choice at every meal (and snack.) The more I am on my own with my schedule, I am learning that I still need to take time for "me time." Also, blogging today lets me visit with you. Tired, well, I will get myself to bed earlier. As for wearing the mask, honestly I don't notice a difference in how I feel if I wear it or not. Sometimes I actually sleep worse because the mask wakes me up when it slips out of place. When you place all those things in the washing machine the cycle stays on agitated. And boy, do I get angry.

I'm feeling off today, and that's ok. There, I said it. It's ok not to be ok. A bad day does not make a bad life. Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

Take care cause I care!

Potty mouth

It really is, you know...alright. To tell me to stop thinking too much, is like telling me not to breathe. Breathing is good for me. Obsessive thoughts? Not so much.

I am in such a good place right now. It's kinda scary, but I'm not overthinking it (see what I did there.) Oh, don't get me wrong, things have gone shitty now and then. The difference is I'm learning to not stand in the pile of shit and contemplate why it stinks so bad. I am finding myself reaching for the hose faster to clean that shit off.

Trusting the whispers of God, which comes to me in my gut, is helping me to step over the shit more often instead of landing smack dead in the middle of proverbial pile.

All I mean by this poop talk is, there will always be shit storms. That is life. Loving myself no matter how smelly I get is really the point.

Go forth and love the shit out of yourself!

Pat on the back

"This is the most annoying song in the world, song in the world, song in the world. This is the most annoying song in the world, and this is how it goes. This is the most annoying song in the world, song in the world, song in the world. This is the most annoying song in the world, and this is how it goes. This is the most annoying song in the world...."

The more rampant the out of control thoughts I have, the more they start to sound like that annoying song. They play over and over and over and over...(are you annoyed yet?)

I had myself so worked up today (well, by the time this is posted it will be tomorrow.) I let someone's talk interrupt my peace. I let those words doubt my abilities and thought process. What the fuck?!? You'd think I'd be over that shit already. I may not ever get over it per se, but I can recognize the uneasy feelings in my gut quicker. I sought consul from two women who would understand the plight I was in, and even though their thoughts differed, I was able to glean some sanity that set well with my soul. Yay, me!!

Life is a journey, not a destination. My journey is on a smoother path than it has been in a long time. I was reminded today (now yesterday) that life's paths will always have rocks, potholes, and fallen branches, but that does not mean it is the end of the road.

Here's to bulldozing the debris!

I take a licking, and keep on ticking

I wish I had something brilliant to say. Alas, brilliance escapes me (right now). 

I am continuing to be amazed at the positive response to my artwork. Well, not my artwork per se, but the fact that people are buying it! I took a painting to a shop yesterday to hang, and before I was there 15 minutes, a man walked in and bought it!!!! I KNOW RIGHT! Happy dance!!

My thinking continues to want to follow old patterns.  Normal, I know. We do what feels comfortable. Until it feels uncomfortable and we remember this doesn't work for us anymore. My old thinking wants to tell me that when I start doing the right things I won't feel bad anymore. OK, I might of lost you there. Last post I told you that I had been struggling with headaches. It has always been a struggle to know if the headaches come from mental health issues, or my mental health issues come after the headaches. Oh...my aching head.

Suffice it to say, I am doing mentally well, but the headaches are still coming. I'm practicing keeping on keeping on. I'm reminding myself that a bad day doesn't not mean a bad life. I am learning to listen to my body and be nice to it. Different from yelling at myself "what's the matter with you!" I have the ability to knock myself down and out very quickly. I am managing to stand up to that bully and tell her to leave me the fuck alone. Ahhhh...the use of 4 letter words to release stress never lets me down.

I'm going to painting up a storm this week to have pictures to hang during an event in Wilton Manors next weekend. Comment if you are in the Fort Lauderdale area and would like any info!

Last, but not least, I do have a doctor's appointment this week to get to the bottom of these headaches. Wish me well!

Walk away from the gavel

Every day I wonder what kind of day it's going to be. Now that I have been having so many good days in a row, I feel like I'm starting to look over my "proverbial shoulder" for the bad day. I know how that sounds. Bad. But here I go judging every thought I have. Again. Am I thinking the right thought...the wrong thing. Geez, Louise.

Here comes the judge. Judge not lest ye be judged. Woman! Will you put the damn gavel down????

I have wanted to blog days earlier, but I have not felt well since Saturday. Headaches. Lots of 'em. Five days later, and I'm still having them. Real tired, too. It's been hard to do anything. This is usually when things start to go south for me mentally. Which comes first? Physical health or mental health. Who knows. Ask the chicken and the egg.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. 

What will I do different? I will rest. I will tell myself it's OK to take a break. Lots of them. I will feel grateful that I can take time to take time instead of guilty. Are you thinking "why does she feel guilty?" Or are you thinking "oh, I know what she means!" When I am not thinking I am worth it (in any way), I feel guilty over just about anything. For those of you identifying with the guilt, let me be an encouragement. I am worth it. You are worth it. We are worth it. 

Care for yourself as you would care for another. Would you give your best friend messages of guilt and shame? I know I wouldn't. Life is not a straight easy line. No, duh, you say?! I don't always remember this on consistent basis, but I'm not judging.

I will continue to stay vigilant over my obsessive thinking. That's a nice way say I will be obsessive over my obsessive thinking. Two negatives make a positive, right?

Queen for a day

Woohoo!! I celebrated my 50th birthday this week! I was a queen for the day! Some women say they are 29 again. Not me. I have celebrated every year I've lived past 37. I wrote the reason for this in a previous post. You can read it here. I haven't always felt so "queen-like" though.

The battle I fight everyday is real. Twenty years ago I had reached a point where the suffering was so great that I felt it would be a relief to die. Anxiety, depression, and bipolar 2. Skip to the last few years and add meniere's, bruxism, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, dry eyes, arthritis...you get the idea. Geez! Let's not dwell on such things. I tell you these things, not because I want pity (absolutely not!), but because you never know what someone is struggling with. There are many people out there facing much worse and it helps me to put things into perspective. To see and hear of people overcoming adversities gives me hope. They encourage me.

I had a choice to make. I chose life. To have courage. To fight. To be fucking brave.

There is something wonderful happening this year. It hasn't been instantaneous, but a continuous forward moving work in progress. I have persevered through many trials, and asked God to give me the same faith during the bad times that I have in the good times.

I have always felt called to be a full-time artist, but fear(s) left me unable to live into that dream the way I felt I could. The stress of living outside of how I am wired was giving me such anxiety that I thought I was having a heart attack a couple of times. I quit my job that I was afraid to leave because of missing certain aspects and financial concerns. It was a good job, mind you. Just not one God had
in mind for me anymore. For the first time ever, I feel like I can actually do this artist thing. I am not afraid (too much). My mood is (relatively) stable. I have energy and focus (my kids are older). I am motivated and the most important, I believe in myself. I am having more and more victories!

I know God has good plans for me, and I am ready to walk in those steps. God saved this queen!