This post is a downer, so read if you dare

Long time no blog.

I feel bad about this, but honestly, I don't want to feel bad anymore. About anything.

Unfortunately, I'm finding this very difficult.

Lately, most days my thoughts and emotions reach such a boiling point, all I can tell myself is "I cant do this anymore." I just can't. Can not.

But, I do. And it sucks balls. Sweaty balls. I'm so tired. I feel sick part of everyday. Thank goodness there seems to be an ebb and flow to this shit storm.

But, believe you me, when it is flowing...I just can't.

I am having so much pain right now. I've been rehabbing my shoulder for the last 3 weeks, and there has been no improvement. It actually feels worse. My neck, arm, hand and back are reeking havoc, too.

I actually thought about wrecking my car today. Just thought about it. No, I'm not suicidal. Just so full of yukkyness.

All I keep saying to myself is "It's not like you have cancer and are dying." Oh, the guilt I feel for feeling so shitty, How dare I?

I feel near hopeless and useless. If you could hear the battle in my head, you would have a migraine. Every day is such a battle.

"Keep moving forward." "This too shall pass." "Breathe." "Your feelings are not the truth." "Be quiet, mean voice. You are not the boss of me." "Push." "Persevere." "Pray." "Trust God." "Get up even though you don't want to." Etc, etc, etc....

I have to be the one to battle the bad voices. "Why can't you just get well, and stay well." "If only you would stay on a schedule." "You are lazy." "You selfish girl." "You must want people to feel sorry for you." "I have no friends." "No one understands me." "You are ungrateful." "You are always having a pity party." "You are not worth it." "I hate everyone." "I just need to move away." "Leave me alone." "Why aren't you paying attention to me."

Okay, you can see how the negative paragraph is easier to write. That seems to be human nature to be quick to remember the negatives.

I don't even know what I am saying right now. I didn't even want to write this. But somewhere, down deep, I figured I owed it to myself to write this down...this...whatever "this" is.

I'm sorry I am such a downer right now. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome, and I just need to go somewhere and keep my mouth shut. No one likes a whiner. Wine, yes. Whiner, no.

Blah, blah, blah...I'm sick of thinking about this anymore. I'm going to bed and, yet again, hope tomorrow shines brighter in the dark recesses of my mind.

Okay, bye. For now.

Don't cry, baby. Don't cry.

I have had hours, or so, of almost having a breakdown. Not every day. But, a lot of days.

Such despair.
Such sadness.
Overwhelming overwhelm-ness.
Anger. A lot of anger.

Just when I think these feelings won't ever go away...they at least lesssen. Talking sense into myself is exhausting. I get so mentally fatigued. I am so pissed. This is not helpful, because it makes me judge myself, and not like myself. Which keeps the shitty cycle going. Have I mentioned this is not helpful?

I think, how can keep digging my nails into the cliff to keep from falling into the abyss? Honestly, I don't know. I just do. I must. I could choose not to...but that is scary as hell.

We (my husband and I) are in a precarious financial situation. We are trusting God for His provision, and He never let's us down. I am human (the fact that I just wrote that makes me chuckle.) This means I still default to worry. Before I quit my job in April, I had been agonizing over what other type of job I could do to replace that income. I came up with nada. My health was suffering over the stress though, and I had to quit without a plan.

I have been freed up to follow my art dreams. Yay!!

This sounds easy, but it's not. Well, not exactly. I was letting myself get depressed, which lead to no painting. Counter productive to say the least. I talk too much to myself in my head, and it turns into a very bad neighborhood pretty quickly. I should never venture there alone too long.

Do I get a part time job so there is money coming in that we can count on? But, that question puts me right back to where I started. What would I do??????

I worked at a job that didn't love for 16 and a half years. I quit when my second child was born. Then, 2 years later,  my third was born. About a year later, I started to battle against mental health issues. I was unable to work even if I wanted to. I had three children by this time, and I was...well, not in a very good place for a long time.

I started my holiday window painting in 1997, and that was my source of income. It was manageable, because it was flexible. I have had four part time jobs in the last four years which has been quite an accomplishment, because I never thought I could work a "real" job again.

Going back to my stresses of late...where will the money come from? I am never guaranteed of income. Get a "real" job? ...ugh!

I had a dream last night. I thought about going back to the company I worked for 18 years ago. I cried and cried and cried. I thought about going back to another job I had, but there was so too much "stuff" there that was not healthy to go back to. I cried and cried and cried. Then a voice spoke very loud to me..."just fucking paint!! Just do it. This is what you want. This is what makes you happy. This, despite any stress, is worth it! It's right in front of you. Just fucking paint!!"

I woke convicted.
I woke up revived.
I woke up to my purpose.

I worked on sketches for commissioned work. Duh. I had been dragging feet.

I worked on some new paintings that I had been asked to do. A client wants to hang them in her shop to sell. Duh.

I tend to create such a war in my head, and I get so exhausted.

I'd like to say that I will quit doing this, but it is always lurking. This is why I'm grateful that I will always keep my nails dug in.

I didn't cry today. I did some things that kept me living my dream. I moved forward. Slowly, but I still moved forward.

Yay, me!!

I need a band-aid (PG-13)

Damn Damn Damn
Fuck Fuck Fuck

That always relieves some stress. I tried to write this post yesterday, but I was in such a bad place I just couldn't muster the energy.

Today has been slightly better, because I ended the day with a paint party with 11 and 12 year old girls. As much stress I had getting ready for it, it was more than worth it. This is a job that is worth the stress. I was told every job would have stress, and I've always said I want the job to be worth it. Painting and painting with other people is my gift and passion.

All of that said, I must admit I walk around my house and ask myself "what am I doing?" I need to make money (most people do.) It is hard work being all the employees in my business, and gets quite exhausting at times.

My moods are not reliable. Oh, I am more aware of triggers, but sometimes too many come at once. Or my chemicals are not functioning properly, and just one trigger can knock me down.

Having bipolar is awful. Well, the depressive swings suck big balls, but the hypomanic episodes help me forget those times (or least give me hope.) Being on the other side of the bridge is a great feeling, and to look back on the depressive times look foggy from across the river. I have done a lot of work. I've worked on past issues. I have been counseled in cognitive behavioral. I take my medicine faithfully.

Despite all of this, the disorder is the disorder. I am functioning better than if I was not doing all of the afore mention things.

I'm tired of being disappointed in myself. I have accepted that I have to talk medication for the rest of my life, but I still keep hoping the next time I am doing so well that it will stay. That maybe I've finally reached the point of control. I've done the work, and now I will be better. I realize the best I can really hope for is remissions.

I will acknowledge that my depressive episodes are way less than they used to be. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to live. So, the only choice I have is to keep on keeping on.

I wish I could wrap this up in a nice little bow, but I can not. I do chose to continue to share, because the struggle is real and I may help someone with my honesty, even if that person is myself.

If you've made it to the end of this post, thanks for hanging in with me(:

Circle of life

There is birth, life, celebrations, and there is sickness, tragedies and death. Death and sickness has been prominent this month. I am sad. I am scared.

Scared of what? I am scared I will not get to do/accomplish what I want. I'm afraid to leave behind the people I love. I some bizarre way, I am experiences feelings of abandonment from myself. The early lost of my mother is blatant right now. I don't want to hurt my kids that way.

I know how irrational this thought pattern is. Regardless...I still think this way. I am angry, and I know this is robbing me of my present. I am letting the shitty thinking get a hold of my thoughts. Hopefully writing this down, I will start the process of release. 

This weekend I celebrated a life that ended way to soon. Her story told of a surrender of her circumstances to God. It was a comfort to know she was scared and angry, too. What courage it must take to face an incurable cancer, and still live a life of hope.

I was encouraged and reminded that living each day as it were your last means finding joy each day, being present in the present, and be grateful. Gratitude without fail regardless of circumstances. This is what it means to be brave. 

I will feel afraid, sad, mad, and angry during my lifetime, but I will choose joy (maybe better some days that others.) Regretting the past, and fear of the future will definitely rob me of the present. Each day is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

There will be birth and death. Happiness and sorrow. This is the circle of life.

I am loved

This photo makes me happy!

I saved this photo from my Facebook newsfeed. I'm sorry I don't remember who took it.

I have been in a slump lately. I do not wish to dwell on why I went there, but rather what I have done to keep myself from staying in a crumbled heap.

I have continued to look forward. Recognizing the triggers. No self blame (well, maybe a little.) Letting the past be the past. Focusing on the good, and making a plan to move myself to a solution, instead of staying a part of the problem. Sounds good, right? Easy, no. I wish there was a magic wand to get myself past these hurdles, but alas, so far no go.

My long ago sponsor would be so proud of me. I don't know if she will read this, but even though I would get aggravated, you have been a true blessing in my life, and I still listen to the words you said to me.

I am seeing positive results from the steps I've taken to move past the stalemate I've felt. I am truly thankful.

My hubs and I received a great gift of a week away...with NO KIDS!! I love you. flesh of my flesh, but this has been just what the doctor ordered.

God loves me, and wants good for me. I must remember in the hard times He still does. He never leaves me, and is with me in the hard times. God is not the magic wand. He is the promise that I will never walk alone.

I am not alone, and neither are you!

Fake it 'til you make it

I told myself that I would make art for me. But my insecurities keep getting in the way. Elizabeth Gilbert had another quote:

Shit, shit, shit...

I am choosing to use these quotes as positives. I am refusing to turn them into a emotional bat in which to club my psyche with. 

The dilemma here is I do need to make money. And I feel called (strongly, I might add) to use the gift and talents God gave me. Doing so is where I breathe best. Except, this money (or lack of) is killing my mojo (okay, I'm giving it the power to do so.) 

Ok, girl. What can you do differently? Well...I actually contacted people that have shown interest in having art parties and other art services. Yay me! In the past I would of just sat in the shit hole of self pity. I am feeling scared, but I moved forward anyway. 

I'm struggling. When I say this, most people say "what's the matter?" I am grateful for the concern. The problem is it's never just one thing. I am working on feeling the feelings, and not letting them become me, or dictate my actions. I want to face this mood eruption without fear. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad, mad, disappointed, scared. It's not okay to allow feelings of doom and gloom, self pity, defeat and hopelessness to take up residence. I have these feelings, but I get to decide "who" stays and "who" goes. 

I am really working the principles of my recovery and cognitive behavioral therapy. I am doing a good job. My anxiety is rearing it's ugly head, and I want to break things and cry. In spite of this, I will find positive ways to relieve this negative energy. I will not blame myself. Shit happens.

As for my art, I will paint, create and keep putting myself out there. God is for me, who can be against me?

'Til we meet again...just keep swimming (thanks, Dory!)

Stop this merry-go-round, I want to get off

Yes, this is me right now. 

This is a simpler visual of this cycle...

How did I get this way? Today I am using my recovery tools to investigate. Let's look at the acronym for HALT.

H=hungry

A=angry

L=lonely

T=tired 

Usually, when I am experiencing more than one of this things at a time, or one for an extended time, then  the cycle commences.

Hungry...not so much. I am upset with myself about my weight, and the fact I am not doing anything about it. (Sidebar...I have done well so far today though!)

Angry...my anger reached a boiling point on Saturday.  I did remember to tell my husband to watch out, but know it was not about him.

Lonely...it is has been an adjustment with my schedule. I was working most days with others, and now I am home most hours by myself. 

Tired...well, that's the biggie. The one that is usually the biggest trigger. My sleep has been so screwy. Add the fact that I am not wearing my CPAP (for sleep apnea), well you probably get the idea.

Now that I have identified my triggers and confessed them to you, let me tell you, and remind myself, I am doing better than I think I am. How you ask? Ok, maybe you didn't ask, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. If I want to change my behavior, I have to make different decisions. I decided to eat better today! I can make that choice at every meal (and snack.) The more I am on my own with my schedule, I am learning that I still need to take time for "me time." Also, blogging today lets me visit with you. Tired, well, I will get myself to bed earlier. As for wearing the mask, honestly I don't notice a difference in how I feel if I wear it or not. Sometimes I actually sleep worse because the mask wakes me up when it slips out of place. When you place all those things in the washing machine the cycle stays on agitated. And boy, do I get angry.

I'm feeling off today, and that's ok. There, I said it. It's ok not to be ok. A bad day does not make a bad life. Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

Take care cause I care!